anger, resentment, anger

Sitting here watching my friend pack to leave me to be with a jackass. She's taking up the whole of spring break on this jerk. Im glad her ex is more important to her than me. Its not like he ruined our entire trip to florida last summer by breaking up with her the first day we got there or anything, forcing the entire trip to be about him and the heartbreak he caused. But yea sure, ditch the person that got you through all his bullshit to go see him on your one break from school. Awesome, Great friends, right? Yep, totally. And Im not bitter or angry at all. Nope. Not me.

i'll never be worth anything to you

Im down to 135 this morning. The progress is good. But I have been binging and purging again. I hate that, its gross. Stupid vomit. Tonight Im hanging with Laura before she ditches me for her ex-boyfriend. My best friend is gonna be on Spring Break but she isnt gonna spend any of it with me. We're just doing our usual weekly hangout session and then she's spending the whole break out of town with an asshole that dumped her and is just using her for sex. Why can't my friends, (Im sorry, I mean friend becuase I only have one since everyone else ditches me too) want to be around me? What is so wrong with me that no one sticks around? And Im a fucking doormat for Laura because she knows I have no one else so she can treat me however she wants and I wont go anywhere. Itd be stupid to ditch my only friend. But yea, tonight we're hanging out. I hope I can be not depressed long enough to enjoy it, but its hard when no one gives a shit about me and that they make it so completely obvious that I am worthless in their eyes.

satisfaction

Im down to 137. Thats only 18 pounds from my goal. I had a few encouraging things said to me this weekend.
My mom flat out told me "Okay, you've lost enough weight, just maintian now."  I smiled.
I went out bowling with some people and they all said how I've lost so much weight and look so skinny now.
And a guy I have some history with was around the other night with my other friend as well, one noticed my hipbones poking out and the other said "you have gotten pretty small"  Then the history-guy tried to repeat history in the bedroom.  Encouraging, right? I've obviously made enough progress to catch people's attention. The one I like the most though is that the guy noticed. Its been ages since a male noticed my existence in such a way, although I did turn him down. I am waiting for someone truly special to give that kind of thing to. Not like previously where I did whoever came along. That left me empty. Anyway, the weekend was nice and I got to watch a movie that the Elders let me borrow, which was very nice of them as well. I wonder how everyone else is doing...

my day out

The last few days have been a little rough. I'm trying so hard to pick myself up and be happier but this life I'm living makes it nearly impossible. Every day I wake up depressed. The first thing  do is weigh myself then I go to the bathroom and then weigh myself again. And that number determines how I feel, if its lower: my depression subsides and I have a good day. If its higher: I'm more depressed than before and my day is shit.


Yesterday my friend and I went out on the town. We spent hours in the art museum in the city and while I was there I barely thought about my weight except when we passed a tiny girl with her boyfriend. She made me feel awful. But we had fun and took some pictures (that made me feel kinda bad too). Then we went to the really posh mall downtown and I had a bit of a breakdown. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Looking at all the girls wandering around with their bags of tiny clothes that I can never wear and the boys that never look at me because Im ugly and fat;  just couldnt take it. So we left there not long after and went to our favorite cafe where we know the owner and that was better. We had a bit of a talk about depression and life and it was all very serious. I don't know if it helped or not and tonight I'm supposed to go up to church with my parents to meet these boys that are giving us a tour of the place.


I don't know if anything has a point anymore or if anything will ever make me happy. I am afraid of trying things and finding out they won't work and being more down because nothing is working. Does that make sense? Am I pretty far gone?

new developments

Just filmed a few videos. Cant decide if I want to edit them tonight or wait til tomorrow. I mentioned my weightloss and weight issues just a little, but I was only honest enough on that subject to mention that I may have had issues and tried to sound healthier than I am. I feel bad, but that is the only subject I couldnt be one hundred percent about. Some people see that channel and I dont want to be getting in trouble with that right now. But I am glad that I am filming again in general, even if its a little jarring. It makes me feel connected to the world, even if no one is even watching. Anyone have any ideas for another video?

On an ED related note though, I have started taking a diuretic. I dropped so much weight in one day because I was just so bloated and am all the time. I retain water like crazy! Anyway, so thats a new creepy development. Has anyone ever had any bad side effects with those?

changes, achievements, and drama

I feel like my posts are like a roller coaster. One day Im being up and positive then the next im as low as you can be. But I think Ive had a breakthrough. I did get that skirt the other day alaong with a ton of other clothes in a massive purchase. So yesterday after a long night of severe depression, crying, and a long talk with someone, I realized so many things wrong in my life and that I was wanting to do certain things but I am just afraid to do so. One of those things is exploring religion. So I went to church yesterday morning. It was nice and I feel so much better. Im clearer and have some of my spirit back.

On another note, I am back down to 141.6. thats a loss of 8 lbs sine Friday. I havent binged or purged since then either. Though Ive not been exercising, I have eaten a few meals. So thats exciting too. Oh and I developed a recipe for Rocky Road Cookies Im dying to test out.

And right now Im talking to a friend that s my best friend's ex boyfriend. My BFF is dwelling on him and thinks that she may spend her spring break trying to get back together even though no one has any idea if he's even willing. And just the now, after spending last night talking with my BFF about how much she is still hung up on him, he sends me a porn link and asks if I want to do something. I want to physically, but I just can't in good conscience. So I instead told him how much my BFF still wants to be with him. His response was a simple ok. Not that I expected much else, but its killing me that I cant tell her about this because it would unravel alot of bad things Ive done that would demolish our friendship. What do I do?

what is the point/i might be giving up

im depressed and bored and I dont want to be here anymore. my life is empty and i feel completely trapped in it. nothing fills the emptyness I feel in my heart or soul. i just want to lay down and never get up. but i keep going because im supposed to, surviving on what gives momentary satisfaction like shopping, or food or exercise or television. i hate myself and i feel worthless. i want to ask an old friend how theyve been but Im still too mad at him to do it. i want to go out somewhere but i cant. theres no where to go and no one to go with. my best friend has left me to go out with her slutty frends that im not good enough for and my sister is out at a school dance with all her friends. everyone is out and dolled up but im at home alone on saturday night in my sweats. whats the point in being alive if you're miserable the whole time?

changing directions and finding religion??

I had a huge blow up with my best friend last night. Well all day yesterday really. Mostly because I am a freak. I am the only one I know (that is under the age of 40) that does not enjoy partying with strangers, going to a bar just to get wasted, and a plethora of other things I find distasteful. I think its irresponsible to go for cocktails between classes in Pharmacy School. I think its sleazy to go out on a saturday night to multiple bars and clubs getting plastered and dancing on strangers. I know I'm in the minority but my best friend used to back me up on this. Now she's joining these girls she's in school with doing these things. She doesnt understand whats wrong with drinking at 1130 on wednesday morning. She thinks that because its what "everyone else" does that she should experience it too. And thats not the person I was friends with for 11 years. So yeah, I'm upset and I feel entirely alone. I am the only person I know of that doesn't enjoy or condone that behavior. So I'm a freak and I'm being left alone. I guess I always knew I wasnt good enough for the general public, hence the self-esteem issues and self harm in various forms.


But I am changing directions. I am going to distance myself from her a bit if thats the life she is going to lead. I don't want to do those things so we can't hang out when she does them. Instead I am going to go to the only place where people may believe the same things I do: church. Let her have her partying ways and see where it gets her and I will go to church and see where that gets me. I've hardly ever been to church in my 21 years and this one is a little different than what I'm used to, seeing as its of the mormon religion. But my family invites the elders into our home once a week for scripture readings so it should go all right, though they do prefer women to wear skirts in church. And I am nothing if not respectful so.........


Now I am off to buy a skirt of knee-length to wear to church on sunday. Wow I never thought I would say those words.

waking up confused

I had beakfast this morning because I am stupid and thought that today was the end of the fast but it wasn't actually until tomorrow. So since the weight just sort of fell off during the 2 days I fasted, I restarted at noon and am going to focus on every twelve hours. I am not setting a particular amount of days because that just ensures failure for me. I'm going to fast for twelve hours and then if I'm still good, I fast for twelve more and so on. I'm better with short term goals.

Also I am wanting to make a video today. I amfeeling that pull to do it, but I have no idea what to film. I have two more in my Dolls of Our Lives-Meet the Cast series I could put up but I kinda want to put up something different before I put another one up. I don't know. I wish it was Spring already. Does anyone know what that darn groundhog predicted?

follow your bliss

title quote - Hellcats quoting Joseph Campbell

Just finished watching last week's Hellcats and damn do I love that show. Drama and Cheering. I love cheer. I was never on a cheer squad, I was never athletic enough, but I love competitive cheerleading. Its very inspiring to me. I wonder how life would be different for me if I had been a cheerleader...

Yesteday was a success with my juice fast. No solid foods, only homemade juices and lots of water. So far I think my favorite juice was the Lemon, Orange, Grapes, and Pear.  It was delicious. Today for lunch/breakfast I had a cucumber, celery, apple juice. Very green but very good and invigorating.

I might start learning some of the cheer routines they do on Hellcats and some other shows/movies and incorporate them as part of my workout. Does anyone know of any good ones?

cleansing the system

I weighed myself this morning. i have ballooned up to 147. It took 2 days to set me back 3 weeks in weightloss. I want to die. My best friend ate everything the same as me and I worked out and she didnt but I'm the only one that gained anything.  How does that even happen? But she says she feel terrible and asked me about something to cleanse her system because she knows about my disordered shit I deal with and that I would know about it. Her words, not mine. So we are both doing a juice cleanse. But it just pisses me off that she's ok with it if it benefits her too. But if I was the only one wanting to do this, she'd be pissy and shoving food at me and trying to embarrass me into eating in front of everyone like she's started doing a few weeks ago. Whatever. It's not like she has the willpower to do it anyway. She wont last 1 day let alone 3. We did a fast back at the beginning of the year and she didnt even make it 12 hours, so this should be amusing at least. She wants to do 3 days but I'm going to shoot for 5. Then we'll see from there. I have no time to screw around now that I've set myself back. I have 11 weeks to lose 27 pounds. This has to happen.

two day long binge. no purging. this blows. it was fun at the time but now that im coming out of it i realize how much of a fat ass i must be. i probably weigh about 148 by now. even though yesterday morning i was 141. thats only 22 lbs from my ultimate goal...for now. i've given myself til May to reach said goal of 119 so this setback shouldnt be too bad in the long run. we'll see what happens

we all hate me

Well fuck. Today started out so well. Now I am in tears. Everyone is constantly making me feel like shit. Like I don't already know I need a job? Like I don't already think about everything thats wrong in my life? Thank you for fucking telling me that I am soooo depressing to talk to. I'm sorry I was born into a family that is predestined to live out a crappy, paycheck to paycheck piece of shit life. And I'm fucking sorry that it's holding you back. I'm sorry you want to get an apartment together but my life doesn't work out in my favor the way yours does. Okay? Don't you think I want to change my life? Don't you think I want things to be better and to have money and to move out of my parents basement? I'm sorry my bag magically didn't have the right clothes in it tht it should have and that now I can't go looking for jobs tomorrow because I don't have nice things. I have one pair of nice pants and one shirt that matches. Im sorry they arent here for me to wear and that I can't afford to buy replacements. I'm so fucking sorry that I am a failure. Is it enough yet? Will it ever be?

good days

Today is going better already. Though I ended up sleeping through my alarms so I did not get to go job hunting today, I filled out some online applications to make up for it and will try again tomorrow. I managed to film a video in my pajamas this afternoon and successfully uploaded it to youtube with no complications. Oh and did I mention that I am down to 141.8! I'm so excited about it. I'm hoping to get to 138 by friday, but who knows. I had a bit of Danon Lite & Fit vanilla yogurt this morning with some frozen berries (85 cal) which is nice. I'm hoping to get through the day on just that and some water then for dinner have those crackers I bought yesterday with tomato on. That reminds me-

Kirrari - this morning after I had breakfast I found that we have those fruit crisps! My mom must have bought them. I'm gonna try those tomorrow for my breakfast. :)

I hope everyone's day goes nicely. =)

I have to go job hunting today.  I really don't want to. I looked through an employment journal but it seemed the only things I am qualified for are janitorial positions and plasma donations. I applied for a job already at a cosmetics counter but I doubt I'll get that. I want a job but if I get this it could mean the end of my current job. Which scares me. I will miss the kids immensely. But I don't even know if that will happen, probably not. On the plus side I found those Special K crackers that Ive been looking for forever and I controlled mysef so well when I baked a million cookies tonight. When can I enjoy my life? When do I get a life to enjoy?

it's never easy

So far my day has not gotten much better. I've been awake for far too long but there really isnt time for a nap. Hellcats is on tonight but I probably won't be off work in time to see it. I can't seem to get to a good place to film today and I have a ton to film. And I've had to yet again defend myself about weightloss to my sister. I can't walk into a room in a tank top if she's around or she'll comment. Hell, she said something the other day when I was bundled up for the snowpocalyspe. "Mom, make her stop. She's making me feel fat." I know she was joking there, but still. Saying I look like I've lost more weight is not what I need right now especially since my weight is not cooperating. But at least I'm winning? I don't even know anymore. I still feel awkward and fat all the time. Does it get better? Or do I just get sucked in even worse and nothing is ever truly enough? Oh well whatever. Here's a picture of my new haircut I got a week ago and what it looks like pulled back, I'm still unsure about it at times. This is just a blah kind of day.

                              

i wanna hang on to something that won't break away or fall apart

title quote - Globes and Maps by Something Corporate
Dreaming is supposed to be a pleasant escape from reality. Something your mind does to occupy and entertain you while it and your body recharges. It isn't supposed to torment you with things that won't happen. I shouldn't have mentioned the guy friend in my blog last night before bed. I dreamt that he was speaking to me again, that we were texting and that things were getting better. In the same dream I was applying for a job at Tiffany&Co but wrote PrettyThin on the essay portion as in "I would look forward to working at PrettyThin" and had to do a hasty and stealthy application retrieval so as not to be found out. That part was pretty entertaining. But to wake up and for a brief moment think that things were normal between me and my old friend was a little shattering. Let's hope the rest of the day goes better than starting off with disappointment.

i dont want to be afraid

oh good lord. Can't I ever control myself? The minute I have access to unlimited food and a private bathroom all self control flies out the window. I got home tonight and binged like crazy and purged it. Why do I do this to myself? Do I want to sabotage my progress? Apparently some part of me does. But on the plus side I was allowed to weigh myself again today and I am down to 142.8 from 145 on friday or saturday. I think today's binge may have been brought on by severe stress and anxiety. Today my friend decided to kick our usually apathetic plans of getting an apartment into high gear. She's already waiting to hear from a few places. I'm scared. I'm terrified of being away from my parents. Yes I know I am almost 22 but I am really close to my mother and we have four dogs that are my babies. One in particular is my Belle who I've put up a picture of before. She will be coming with me but moving means I have to find a second job. The one I have now does not pay anything really but I don't want to work anywhere. I hate dealing with people. They are mean, rude, demanding, stupid, and just horrible. I worked in retail a year ago. It lasted 6 months because I can't take being treated like shit by perfect strangers. Not to mention my coworkers and superiors completely devalued me. I have no desire to repeat that experience. But it seems I have to. I am scared of getting out on my own and failing. And of applying for dozens of jobs and being rejected by every single one. It hurts. Rejection hurts even on a small scale like that. Especially now, after that last stupid guy friend flaked out on me. I wish I could say I was going to sleep now, I guess it can't hurt to try.

counting sheeps and froggy leaps

title quote - Ferrets on youtube by SecretAgentBob I think. amusing videos

Insomnia is starting to get to me. I've always been a sufferer but it gets worse when I restrict. But the great part about it is that insomnia fuels creativity. So once again I am active on youtube. I am deathbysnapple once more. Staying up making videos is also a fantastic way to avoid eating. You lose yourself in creation and food ceases to be an issue. It's rather magnificent. Since I started filming again I've already lost a pound. I also find that this "thing," a disorder or whatever, also fuels the creativity in me, every time it flares up so does my creativity. I wonder why that is, the ill feeding the arts. Its fairly common all through history. Anyway, I guess that's all I got right now. I'm gonna take a nap so I can function for work later.  Not good to take care of kids while sleep-deprived. Have a good day.

You rocks think you're so smart

title quote - Dean Winchester of Supernatural. he tried to explode a rock with amusing results

Its almost 5 am. I am still awake. Insomnia blows. Fighting with your best friend blows harder. I am losing motivation in life. But being this tired and unable to sleep gives me a near drunken/drugged-out state of mind. I can do things I'm usually too scared to do. Like actually post on prettythin. I'm normally too chickenshit. Not tonight. No not tonight. I just realized I rarely use quotes as titles anymore. Well I'll give this a good one.

Questions without Answers

its late. I'm thinking of starting a Video Diary. Writing isnt helping as much as I had hoped. Maybe talking and saying it outloud would be better. But that begs the question: Do I put it online? Should I let people see me in my natural state, not edited in type? My problem here is that I want someone to see me, to understand me. Would anyone watch? Would anyone understand? Can someone answer any of these questions? If people see this at all....

Before and After

Sometimes you just need a reminder so you don't fall off the deep end. Something that can prove to you that yes you have made progress, you have changed. This morning I was going through old pictures in my laptop when I came across my Progress folder. I looked through it and had taken pictures at my goal weights. 175 and 165 i believe. And now at about 145 (I'm not allowed to weigh myself for a few days) I decided to take more pictures to compare them. And I honestly didn't think it would look any different. I don't feel different. I still feel as though I am that big heavy girl. And when I look in the mirror I still see fat everywhere, but when I take these pictures and put them next to each other, I dont know. It puts things in perspective.

Before

                        

                       

After 

mirror lie to me

Dude, I am killing myself trying to get this damn weight off. My body is fighting me so hard just to get under the 140s. I've barely been eating, most days my food is under 400 calories except for my few b/p slip ups. Yesterday all I ate was a teeny bowl of salad, no dressing, that I didn't even finish. Please tell me how I've barely moved 5 pounds since a month ago. I want it gone. I've done fasting, I've done extreme exercising, I've done the eat something small to boost your metabolism thing, but none of it is working. Maybe the only thing my body will respond to is a good kick in the ass. Something like a good fast and serious ass-kicking exercise. I'm just scared that'll drag all my energy down to hell. I've already been raging around as is. Breaking down for small things and rampaging around screaming at people. Oh well, I'm just gonna have to deal with it because I need to be smaller, like now. So I am starting another plan I suppose. I'm focusing day by day instead of long term because I somehow manage to screw those up royally every time.
Today: Water only for beverages, if I am feeling weak I may have 2 servings of a diet soda, soup broth only for dinner, cough drops to take the edge off the hunger but i'm only allowed 5 throughout the day as they too have calories. I must work in a way to burn off 800 calories.
Jogging 30 minutes, Jumping rope 10 minutes, Dancing 25 minutes, Pilates 30 minutes, Toning 10 minutes.  All of those are minimum requirements as I will likely go over and/or add to them throughout the day. Here's hoping I can break this standstill.

a prison made of me (an original poem)

I wrote this just now, on the spur of the moment. I'm not much for poetry but sometime it just jumps out and this is it.

so many thoughts in my head. Help me. Its screaming in my brain, scratching, clawing its way out. But its caged in. Im caged in.
Its all a prison made of me
 Im my own worst enemy.
Recalling every bad thing said.
Every judgmental thing in their heads,
spewed at me the easy target.
They'll never remember and I'll never forget.
help me shed this second skin
thats shrinkwrapped on, im wearing thin.
 but the skin grows stronger with each day,
keeping sanity at bay.
Sane thoughts and actions would not do
 when this thing inside me wants to rule.
 take less, do more it says to me.
 or no one will love you it says with glee.
 twisted in a sneering smile,
this thing inside me used it guile.
tricking, lying our way to thin,
to manipulation, we have to win
the race to be the perfect one,
but who are we racing? i see none.
no one competing for this prize,
just me and this thing behind my eyes.
its in my brain, burrowed in.
its my master as i sin.
 most of the time we are friends,
 i welcome it to meet my ends.
but sometimes when the night is long,
all I want is a lullaby, a song.
 someone to sing me off to sleep,
not a slave driver with an agenda to keep.
so do i let it stay for now, giving in and making vows?
or do i seek help to get it out?
it clings to me and starts to shout.
so today it gets to stay,
i cannot part with a friend this way,
even if it abuses me,
it does give me what i need............

cabin fever

I'm so bored. I have been snowed in since yesterday. On the one hand it's great being home with my family and getting to spend time not having to do anything for anyone. But on the other, I am starting to get a little restless and have no way to run from my feelings. Usually there's something for me to do or somewhere to go so I don't have think or feel. Not today and not for a few days if this keeps up. Damn blizzard warnings. At least my dogs are loving it.

It is most definitely a mess here. Last night I made dinner, beef stroganoff and apple crumble for dessert. I ate a small bit and purged it. But my family loved it. It feels good to please them. While I was cooking my mom commented that "you are getting so skinny Court." The funny part was that just before she said that I was thinking how huge my stomach looked. At work the day before, the kids' grandmother was visiting and looked at me funny. I thought it was because I was doing something wrong but then she asked if I'd lost weight. I admitted a little and she said "I think its more than a little." I don't know what to do with these comments. I mean, they make me feel like I'm getting somewhere but they also pressure me to want to lose more. I don't really feel deserving of the comments and the fact that they are looking so closely at me makes me feel bigger. I'm afraid when I have thoughts like that. They make me feel so far gone in this whole thing. Maybe I'm not as in control as I think I am.



there's nothing I believe in more than my own insignificance

title quote - song Politically Correct by sr71

I was doing well. I was feeling better about myself and life. Then BAM! I'm hanging out with my sister and Laura at the mall. We're at lunch in the food court (sister:california chicken sub; Laura:greek gyro; me:nothing) when the night from a few months ago gets brought up. The one that led to a guy friend deserting me and Laura. And all day long I couldn't stop thinking about that night, about what was said and done. I talked about it before I think, in one of my first blog entries. But all I can think about is what I said to him: "This is what gives girls severe insecurities leading to eating disorders." Then I drank the equivalent of 5 or 6 shots of whiskey in one go. After that things get fuzzy but I remember begging him to tell me why I wasn't good enough, why he had to have my best friend, what could I do so I wasn't worthless. Drunkenly of course. And I remember he spen a great deal of time trying to assure me that I wasn't worthless, that me being good enough wasn't an issue. But then I guess its all negated by the fact that he hasn't spoken to me but once since then. And that was only so he could get his stuff he left at the house. So all I can think is that I hope he gets to see me at some point, so that he can see what he helped push me into. I was already most the way there (back to my disordered ways after years of normalcy), but that night I hold in my mind as the thing that knocked me over the edge, headfirst into a drive for perfection. It was the final straw and I've been dwelling on it for days now. I want him to see the damage he caused. I want him to see the aftermath of what he did. I want to be able to flaunt it in his face, "you tried to talk me out of this, but you helped cause this, look what you did, look how small I am now, am I good enough for you now"

wow that was really therapuetic to get all that out, thanks if you read it. I'm feeling a little bit better now that its off my chest

I'm doing better today. I don't know why I felt so out of control last night. I didn't cut though. I have learned in the past 5 months or so how to breathe through the feeling. It passes if I don't give in, so I didn't. Instead I did a round of crunches and jump roping to get out the energy that feeling out of control and on the edge gives me. It was remarkably useful. So I will view that as a triumph. I also weighed myself this morning at my usual time and I was back down to 145.2. Still a .2 gain but it's just superficial and will be gone by the end of the day because I'll be walking around all day accompanying my sister while she gets shirts sfor work. And I am reinstating my fast, I just have to not break it. If I don't eat any food I stay strong, if I eat even the smallest amount I lose all control and stuff my face. Well, I'm off to start my day with a better attitude then I ended my last day with. Wish me luck.

failure failure failure

I failed. I suck. I'm so pissed at myself. I broke and ate half a subway sandwich at the urging of my friend and some cookie dough and a cookie once it was cooked. So much fat. I can practically feel fat forming and bubbling under my skin. Its disgusting. I weighed myself. I've gained 4.2 pounds since this morning. How is that even possible? It wasn't even that much food. Only about 2 tablespoons of cookie dough, 1 cookie and 6 inches of a healthy sandwich. 4.2 lbs?! In one day?! What the Fuck?! But I shouldn't have eaten it anyway since I was fasting. Fuck. I will never make it to 119. Not with such a lack of discipline. I'm feeling the urge to cut again. I haven't done that in 5 months. Shit. I feel like I'd be better dead, at least maybe I wouldn't be so miserable and fucking other people up along wit myself. I hate myself right now and I'm worthless. If I never reach my goal I'll never be worth anything.

we often give our enemies the means for our own destruction

title quote - Aesop the Ancienct Greek fabulist


So we were right, my sister is jealous. She is feeling threatened in some way by my losing weight. Last night after her original comment the previous night ("All I can think when I look at you is that you're skinny and I'm fat and I can't stop eating") she approached me asking what I do. I played dumb at first not wanting to seem like I'm actively trying to lose weight. I play it off for my family like I'm just getting healthier: less junk food, more water, more exercise. So she asked if I go to a gym I told her no, just home exercises like pilates and riding the stationary cycle. She asked what I eat and I kinda panicked. I just told her to eat less junk and to add more fruits and veggies to her diet instead. I don't want her to be like me. I know that what I do isn't exactly good for me. My methods arent advisable. Fasting and purging and obsessive exercising is not the way to go for a normal, happy 17 year old. The worst part for her is that she isnt overweight at all. She isn't super skinny, but she still only weighs 125 pounds and now I've made her feel insecure by losing so much weight. SO I feel like an ass for doing that to my little sister and like an even bigger ass because now I want to lose even more weight so that she can't catch up to me,  to prove to everyone that even if she can lose weight too that I can do it even better. Does that make me a terrible person? She asked me if I'd show her the pilates today, so we are supposed to do them together when she gets home from school. Laura has been more weight and food conscious lately too. Am I destroying everyone around me?

there is nothing I do better than revenge

title quote - Taylor Swift
You know what sucks? That I was completely right about yesterday. How on earth can a 16 year old not understand that flinging around a public library in one of their desk chairs is not okay? Or that it's not okay to start spinning the desk attachment on a chair disrupting the whole section? Or that when he already can't chill out I am not going to give him 50 cents for cocoa or a cappuccino and when I say no that it also isn't okay to go ask strangers for it?  I'm fairly certain that this kid's parents have completely failed him in the social rules of life.
But I did get my journal I was after. Barely made it to the store before they closed, but I got it. When I got home my sister was once again commenting about my weight, but this time it was so much more satisfying because she said it in a truthful way. She said "Everytime I look at you all I can think is that you are so skinny and I'm getting so fat and I still keep eating anyway." All while standing with the refridgerator door open. I felt like I had won something. I have control but she doesn't. I am getting smaller and she's not. I felt awesome after that. I now feel even more empowered to keep going. I still have quite a while to go before anyone may seriously suspect anything, I'm at a "healthy" weight, but I want to be smaller. I'm going to try a 3 day liquid fast. I've never gone for more than 24 hours, but I think if I can complete this, then I can break this plateau I am at. I'm thinking just water and pure juices. I wish I knew someone that has done this so I can know if it will help me. Maybe I'll check PT.

dread and hope

Today I have to work again. I'm not looking forward to it at all. The kids had about 4 snow days, so no time class time to work on their big projects with the teacher like they were supposed to get. Naturally, I thought the teacher would then extend the due date a day or two like it used to be when I was in high school. Wrong! The stupid bitch still wants th kids to have it in by Friday even though their entire last week for getting anything done was taken from them. Which means more stress for them and me as the nanny. So its to the library we go this afternoon for research. But I can only take one kid because when they are together they act like wild animals in public. Even the one sort of does on his own so I am dreading the outing. The best part is, that they are both in their teen years now and don't seem to know better. After work though, I am hoping to get over to Barnes and Noble to purchase this beautiful leather journal to fill with my own research. I want to collect recipes in another as well.  Hopefully I get off work tonight before they close. Then I will be heading home for the first time since last Wednesday. I miss it. But everytime I go home I get stuck in a b/p cycle. I'm honestly a little scared. But hopefully I am strong enough now to avoid it. I used the word 'hopefully' a lot today, that must mean I have some sort of positive outlook for life today, however small and repressed. Have a good afternoon everyone.

Bon Appetit

I love food. Some people who struggle with eating disorders or dieting will try and tell you the opposite. But quite often it simply isn't true. Who doesn't love biting into a fluffy, buttery biscuit? Or taking a huge bite of sweet and spicy stirfry? Food tastes good. You can't deny it. What we don't like are the calories in the food, the weight the food adds to the body. Now maybe it isn't everyone, but everyone I have met. If we didn't like food we wouldn't end up on binges. But you know what I love almost more than food? Cooking the food. I love creating new things. Changing recipes, forgoing recipes altogether to create something all my own. It makes me feel alive and real.
Food has gotten an unfair rep. It doesn't make me eat it. It isnt the food I hate. It's me. I choose to pick up the cookies. I choose to eat them and keep eating til I'm stuffed. It's my willpower that isnt strong enough. It's me that makes me sick when I look in the mirror, not the food. But maybe with this admission I can marry the two parts. I can cook and create and feel alive while doing so, but then I can strengthen my willpower by not indulging in it. I can move forward and be thin but more than an empty shell.

i'm just trying to stop the bleeding

title quote - Alibis by Marianas Trench

Typing is going to be difficult today because while slicing lemons and limes this afternoon, I managed to slice my left index finger. It was quite deep and so very painful. I managed to stop the bleeding fairly quickly and I should be able to avoid stitches but it hurts like a bitch. On the plus side, since I'm fasting today the pain in my hand should distract me from any hunger I might feel. I am stuck at a stupid plateau. I'm hovering between 145 and 150 and I can't seem to get lower. Right now I'm only averaging about 3 workouts per week for about 90 minutes. Maybe I should try doing 5 per week and do more intense cardio. The lack of a loss is starting to get me down. I really want to be down 10 lbs by the 14th. I have plans with my friends and I don't wanna go out looking like a hag.

I actually had my friend ask me last night whether I really thought that being thin or weighing a certain amount would mae my life perfect. I couldn't really respond. I mean I know it isnt magic, but unless I am acceptable visually to people, I will never get the chance to make my life perfect for me. No one has ever accepted me or the way I look. Outside of family. I honestly don't think I can be loved or deserving of love until I am thin and pretty. Is that sick? Maybe. Am I wrong in thinking it? Sadly, probably not. The world is cruel.

must be the moon

title quote- song Must Be the Moon by !!!(Chk Chk Chk)


I slept terribly last night. I'm at my friend's house again because it snowed. Again. So much so that I haven't been home in days once again. But its ok because I expected it this time. Anyway, yesterday my friend gets a paper in the mail from a neighbor saying that they saw someone prowling the neighborhood canvasing houses to and cars to break into the night before and just wanted to warn everyone. Now for a normal person that may not be too bad. However I suffer from an anxiety disorder and when I hear that someone was trying to break into basements and we sleep in a basement I get a little nervous. So much so that we got into our Supernatural Survival Kit (yes, we have one based on the show, maybe I'll tell you more about that later seeing as its awesome) and slept with the knife on the nightstand just in case. I was up til the sun came up, only drifting off long enough to have to jerk myself awake. The night was uneventful and I did not have to use my weaponry on anyone thank goodness. However, the knife is still by my side because now I have an irrational fear of prowlers. Of course maybe watching Investigation Discovery for a few hours yesterday was a bad idea too.

On a brighter note, I discovered I love dance/punk music. In particular the band from today's title quote, !!! (Chk Chk Chk). If you ever want to get moving and dancing around, this would be the music to put on. Hope you all had much less terrifying nights than I did, and maybe enjoy the music.

I wasn't going to post again so soon, but I need someway to feel okay. My sister is critisizing me. My little sister is critiquing my weight. She says I look skinny, but in an accusatory way. Like she doesn't like that I may be finally closing the gap in our looks at least a little. She's used to being the one that gets all the attention, she's the pretty one, the tan one, the tiny one, the blonde one. So I've lost nearly 40 pounds since October, I was huge then and I'm just approaching an okay weight now. I don't need her saying these things. She's the only one that says anything about it like that. She tried to bring negative attention on me saying "do you eat?"Of course.  "how much do you weigh?" And I lie, saying I don't know. Like I don't keep track of that every minute of everyday. "doesnt she look skinny mom?" with a sneer in her voice and mom really has nothing to say because she isnt mean. She doesnt lie to make me feel bad. And then my sister's friend chimes in with "yeah, are you anorexic or something?" Really?! I weigh 147.6 pounds. I'm not anorexic, I'm not that even skinny at all. I still bulge and have fat rolls. I'm not small. She just wants me to feel bad and stop so that I don't tread on her territory as the thin, pretty one of the family. Fuck this. She wants to see skinny, she hasn't seen anything yet.

if it weren't for bad luck, i'd have no luck at all

I am caught in a bad week. I got home Monday after being with friends for days and that's when it all started. I've been in a B/P cycle all week. I didn't notice how naturally that behavior came to me until I was left alone in my house and that was the first thing I did. Just mindlessly shoveled food down my throat, only to choke it back up. It was then, bent over the toilet that I could admit to myself, "okay, so maybe we have a problem here." But I push it down so I don't have to feel it and got ready for work.

Work was hell as well. After having gotten a message intended, I assume, for my bosses girlfriend the day before ("kinky" is not an appropriate response when your employee tells you she's stopping by for her check, just saying), and I'm pretty sure he was intoxicted when I showed up, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing that day. I ended up chaufferring the kids for an hour and paying for their school supplies out of my pocket and then driving the half an hour home.

Tuesday was a peach too. Started the day off having 5 different breakfasts, food I don't even like, brownies and peanut butter? Gross, but I ate it anyway. Then I got to work to find once again that my boss has left his girlfriend in charge. I feel constantly scrutinized by her. Maybe she doesn't like a younger woman coming around everyday? But theres nothing to worry about there trust me. So I wrapped up there and headed home in rush hour traffic only to have a part fly off my car! So there I was on the side of a busy highway for nearly an hour waiting for my parents to show up to rescue me. Had to leave my poor car at a weigh station all night. Its home now but not fixed and I have to somehow get to work in 5 hours and my only car alternative has a door that doesnt latch. Great right? 

Today I got a text from boss's girlfriend asking my to be there while she goes out tonight, so more hours for me, but not too pleased that she is the one with requests now. And she told me my boss wants me to call him about the kids' grades later. I can only assume its so he can bite my head off about the algebra. Its not my fault the kid cant grasp basic algebra. I do everything I can to get him through and he still screws it up. And that wouldnt be a prolem if his father didnt have such high expectations of him and me. Oh and did I mention that im up half a pound from all this crap?

I'm hoping today is better. Everyday is a chance for things to improve and I'm going to keep believing that. I'm fasting today, I have goals I need to meet. I need to be 135 by Valentine's Day.

i keep on dreaming because i can

title quote - Because I Can by Katy Rose

Don't we all have broken dreams? Dreams we've left abandoned either because we thought we couldn't do it or it's too late to achieve whatever it was. Today I'm left pondering mine. My day is one of sad songs and montage fade in/fade outs of lying around different places in my house. I wanted to be a dancer but I was pulled from dance class when I was 6 because we moved. By the time I re-enrolled at 14 I was fat and awkward, a lumbering hippo. I stayed for a year, admiring how the tall, thin beauties floated across the floor, then I quit because I was tired of being in the back, feeling like I was holding back the group because of my weight I couldn't lose. So now I dance alone in my room with no real skill and distantly admire the real dancers. I also dreamed of being loved in high school, by a boyfriend and by a group of friends that I lunched with, shopped with, partied with. Instead I was alone. I've still never had a boyfriend or a group of friends. I'll never know what its like to be young and infatuated. I'll never know what it's like to break curfew riding around with friends. I dreamed of excelling in college and making new friends and starting over once high school failed me. I failed out of college when I once was smart. I made no new friends because it was just like high school. I was still overweight and boys still loved the pretty girls and the girls still stuck with the people they already knew. All the time I've dreamt of being thin and beautiful, and maybe now I'll actually achieve one of my dreams. Being thin at least. I'm down to 147 even, maybe when I'm thin I'll be a new person, invent new dreams and a new future. Start over as someone completely new. Fresh, unmarred, clean and thin.

Tell your friend a lie. If she keeps it secret, then tell her the truth

title quote from an old proverb on thinkexist.com

Today I slept til 2 in the afternoon. After my big shopping day yesterday I was just plain exhausted. As my reward yesterday for reaching my goal weight on time, I purchased the cutest shoes from G by Guess. I'll include a picture though it doesn't nearly do them justice for how badass they are. I also experienced a great victory yesterday as I was able to fit into and purchase a pair of skinny dress pants in a size 4. Size 4! I haven't been this small since high school 4 years ago. I bought a load of other stuff too, like a Converse sweatshirt slightly snug since I'm still dropping weight, and some warm little flats from American Eagle. I was so elated from all the extravagent shopping and weight loss that today turned into an unexpected fast. I didn't intend for it to be when I woke up but as the day went on I decided it would be good to. My body deserves a good cleansing. I drank water and a diet mt. dew for energy. Even though I am at Laura's house again, I was able to avoid dinner because she is the one who got out dinner plates and knew I wouldn't eat it so she got out one less plate so there would be no empty plate on the counter shouting that I hadn't eaten. She even lied to her mom when she was asked if I'd eaten. She knows that this is what I want and that no amount of nagging or forced meals will change my mind, so she's helping me while keeping an eye on me. We are sharing a secret like when we were kids. And now we are playing DDR together, the Disney version. I love Disney, anything better? Didn't think so. Well back to burning those calories to a Disney tune.

Oh and here are my shoes:

Let each become all that he was created capable of being

title quote by Thomas Carlyle


I did it!! I set out to get my weight under 150 by today, Friday. Yesterday I was 151.4. So  I worked out like crazy last night and this morning I got up went about my rituals and with great anticipation I stepped on the scale. It read 149.0. I danced for joy. Today Laura and I are going shopping and this is just where I needed to be to be able to enjoy it. I need to keep getting ready to go but I was just too excited to not to get this out. Everyone out there keep striving for your goals and stay safe. Hmm, maybe I'll get a new handbag today....

Craptastic start, but not a bad finish

Today started out terribly. I woke up at 8 am after next to no sleep because Laura had to go back to school which means no more fun times for us until Spring Break. Then I was nauseous all morning and fell asleep without setting an alarm, so I slept all afternoon. When I finally woke up at 3 I got a text from my boss saying I need to be there in one hour instead of 3. How crappy is that? So then I had to speed up my day, by rushing through a workout and getting ready when I realized my shirt is too see-through for work. Crap, so I had to borrow a tanktop.Then I lost my keys for 20 minutes, and finally went out in the freezing cold snow and my car wouldn't start. Great. So I had to call my boss and he said that's ok because the kids didn't go to school and his girlfriend is gonna watch the kids while he goes out for band practice. WTF? Now I missed out on 3 hours of work. That is seriously important for me. And then I started my period which made me seriously bloated. BUT on the bright side I finally made it home to my baby Belle, I got to have some shrimp and garlic sauce from my favorite takeout place, I lost 1 more pound, and took a couple pictures of myself that I happen to kind of like. So the day is not a total loss, but hopefully tomorrow won't have such a crappy start.  Here is my new picture, let me know what you think:

Stranded

no quote today, too depressed to think of one

Still stuck at my friend's house. I am beginning to be angry at the snow. I have nothing safe here. No safe foods, no safe way to avoid food without scrutiny, and no way to find out my weight. They don't have a scale here that I have access too. But that last one doesn't matter much seeing as I don't trust any scale but my own anyhow. Dinner just passed and I managed to get away with a few spoonfuls of corn, hamburger meat the size of a medium meatball, and a few onion slices. Other than coffee and a few sips of Sprite that is all I have consumed since dinner last night. I think I did well. I just wish I knew my weight! I am scared that I may have gained, but I know thats irrational. Even so, I can't stop obsessing over every piece of flab on my body. My stomach, my arms, my face (which looks especially bloated today), and my thighs. Will I ever reach my goals?  It feels like I never get any closer, like when you have a dream that you are running toward a door at the end of a long hallway and the hallway just keeps extending. Well, time to workout and run for that door.

Food Is Not Love

Tonight I am stranded at Laura's house. I got off work and the roads had been covered in snow, making it impossible to drive all the way home. So, since Laura's house is so close to my work I ended up there. This wouldn't be so bad except I miss my Bella, my puppy, because I promised her I wouldn't be gone for long this time. I also planned to workout when I got home, now I have to improvise and do it in front of Laura which makes me really self-concious. And a really terrible part is that her om is making a huge dinner that I am expected to eat. It is nearly impossible to get out of it. Its homemade waffles, eggs, bacon, and fruit salad. There's no way I can eat all that and meet my goal by Friday. There is also no way I can eat it and purge it the way I would at home, because there is no privacy here. There is also no way I can just not take any food either because that will get noticed and make her mom feel bad. I hate how people have so many feelings tied up in food. It makes everyone who isn't that warped, feel bad for not having a sick attachment to food. Food. Is. Not. Love. Now repeat. So I am thinking that I will take food, and when we go to the basement I will cut it up in small pieces and move it around the plate, but I can eat the fruit because nothing else is added to it. I already ate a cereal bar(130) for breakfast and cheese and crackers(275) at work. That is insane that I have already consumed so much. I wish I was home so I could go about my life in its normal way. I don't know how I am going to do my cardio here, I guess I will have to make use of DDR or something. This seriously blows.


This is my baby Belle.  She is my life, and I love her more than anything in the world.

Yeah, like she could control herself

title quote - a girl we have nicknamed the Round One, that eats everything in sight and is generally a fat cow, was watching TV with me when a dieting commercial came on where a woman turned down a pastry. And the title was her response. It was hysterical because she was deadly serious

So, I am down 3 lbs since yesterday morning. I started an intense workout/exercise routine. I made an amazing dinner for my family, Spinach Mushroom and Onion Calzones in case you were wondering. They were amazing. I ate one. Then I threw it up. Then I ate felt depressed that I had cracked and eaten so then I ate some ice cream. Counter productive, no? And then I threw that up too. Then I rode the stationary for 25 minutes. Tomorrow I have a plan. My days work better if I have a plan. I am allowed water, coke zero, 2 sugar free Jellos and if I absolutely can't get out of it, 5 bites of dinner, and if I can get out it I will have a packet of broth instead.  I am extactic about my weight loss. My goal for this week is to be under 150 by Friday. I think it is absolutely attainable. And on that note, I'm going to keep up a positive attitude and drift off to dreamland.

inside

What I ate today:
FiberPlus bar chocolate coconut -120 cal
Two pink lemonade drink mixes - 20 cal
Melba toast - 38 cal
Chocolate rice cake - 60 cal
238 cal, nice but not impressive

What I had to watch everyone else eat:
Double Cheeseburgers - 421 cal a piece
Hamburger Stew - 350 cal per bowl
Marzipan - 200 cal
Rice cakes with spread - 110 cal
Croutons - 100 cal
Chocolate fig - 85 cal
Bacon Sanwich - 600 cal

I watched a kid eat 2 double cheeseburgers. I watched my friend eat 2 heaping bowls of stew. I watched her eat marzipan and chocolate figs. I watched her then consume rice cakes with cream cheese spread. Then I watched her top it off by eating croutons from the bag. And somehow she still weighs 25 lbs less than me. Then I went upstairs to find her mother eating a bacon sandwich complete with mayonnaise. She had also eaten 2 bowls of stew and countless other things throughout the day as did Laura. How can people eat so much? Laura is always going on about how she feels flabby but then eats like crap and doesn't do any activity. And her mother is overweight and always wanting to lose weight but then makes bacon sandwiches and cake balls. I just can't comprehend feeling like crap about myself and then stuffing my face with food that's only going to add to the problem and then not feeling bad about it. These people have no self control, they just grab whatever they see. And maybe its rude or mean to get so bothered by fat people eating bad food but its just how I feel. Laura isnt fat obviously, she just has poor eating habits and no self-discipline. What bothers me with her is her lack of consistency. She wants one thing but does nothing to help herself get it. Well I guess I'll show them all a thing or two about self control.

There is only you and your camera. The limitations...are in yourself, for what we see is what we are.

title quote by Ernst Haas

I used to make youtube videos. I loved it. I still have my channel but nothing new has been posted in about a year. I stopped making videos once I realized I could never make the kind of videos I wanted, like artistic ones, music ones, ones that needed acting because I realized one day that I am not attractive. I have a slight problem with my mouth movements when I speak, you can see it on the old ones, and I noticed how huge I looked. I got embarrassed and self-conscious so I stopped and put it out of my mind.

The yesterday I got the idea to make videos just for me. Why do I need to put them on youtube? I thought that validated them or something. But now I can make any video I want any way I want and not have to be worried that someone will make fun of me like they sometimes used to do. So last night I started making myself a video to keep me inspired on my weight loss goal. It keeps me busy when I am bored and want to eat and gives me something to look at to feel like I accomplished something.

my old channel is deathbysnapple in case you were curious

the wishes turn very bad

Title Quote - Supernatural, when Dean wishes for a sandwich that later gives him food poisoning

Yesteday I did well with my fast. I felt good and clean. I went grocery shopping with Laura at 3am and we got a million healthy groceries. It kinda freaks me out that she bases her grocery list off of mine and asks me for caloric information on things. She knows about my eating habits or lack thereof. And she worries about me like a good best friend should but she also kind of supports me. She watches me not eat, asks me if its ok if she eats in front of me, and helps me hide it from other people. At the same time she tells me I don't need to be doing this, and that I'm pretty the way I am. So I'm thankful I have her, because she lets me do what I feel I need to do without harrassing me but I can trust that if it gets too dangerous she will help me.

She also took care of me today when I woke up severely ill. I caught a bug from my family and was vomiting all day long. The only thing I've been able to keep down is part of a Jello cup and some soup broth. I'm finally feeling better this evening but my dad did too when he had this and it would hit him again the next morning, so I guess we'll see. That's what I get for wishing to be thin huh? A horrible stomach bug to prevent me from eating. Life is funny.

beauty is the promise of happiness

Title Quote by Stendhal

Am I disordered? I don't know. I've never been dignosed. All I know are my own actions and thoughts. Like right now, I am feeling triumphant for fasting for an entire day. Not one bit of food went into my mouth, though I was tempted by dinner and the chocolate cake balls that were made tonite. But I was strong. Only water for me. I feel so clean. And at the same time I feel fat and worthless. I have lost 20 lbs since October but I don't feel any different. My BMI is 24.8, so I'm technically not overweight, but that doesn't mean I feel normal. I'm setting a goal of being 125 lbs by May 1st. That's 30 lbs I need to lose. That means restricting and exercising. Fasting and controlling. I want to look beautiful at my little sister's graduation and for my 22nd birthday. I want to be seen, I want to be special.

I saw few die of hunger; of eating, a hundred thousand

Title Quote by Benjamin Franklin


I am writing to keep myself from eating. I have filled myself with coffee and water and I hope to God I can keep control. Everyone is eating dinner around me. It smells so good and garlic-y. Dinner is garlic chicken and potatoes. It's so delicious looking. But I am watching people eating and at the same time a makeover show is on the television and that reminds me that if I take a plate of that food (no matter how delicious) I will not be suffering just like the girl on the television. She is crying and battling her body to fit into the clothes for the makeover. She has gained weight and feels undeserving of attention and the clothes don't fit or flatter the way they should. I don't want to be that. I want to be the girl that is beautiful, that can slip into any outfit and have it flatter and fit me without struggling and breaking down. I want the tears of happiness that come with looking in the mirror and realizing how beautiful you are. And I won't get any of that if I eat that plate of food. Luckily the moment of weakness seems to have passed. I need to get through 2 days of fasting so that my stomach is shrunk enough so that I'm not as hungry when I do have to eat. I feel stronger now. Now I can go on with my night and my fast.

because you're a bad person

Last night an old friend came by. He came to get his things that he left here because he is severing ties with me and Laura. But when he'd gone, he left a black hole of misery that sucked everyone in. I hadn't seen him in a month, not since the big blow-up between the 3 of us. He confessed feelings for her after kissing me, after I'd confessed feelings for him. Stupidly complicated right? I am invisible next to her. Since she doesn't return his feelings he walked away from both of us, sending me the message that being rejected by her is worth more than being friends with me. That on top of being rejected in a more romantic aspect was a sharp knife.
So he came by and he looked so different. He hasn't been taking care of himself, he hadn't shaved in at least a week and looked miserable with dead eyes. He was here for barely 10 minutes, long enough to get in, take his things and leave with barely a goodbye. And I have no doubt that that was the last we'll see of him for a long time.
I want to be mad but it's just too depressing but thanks for being one more person to show me that I am not worthwhile.

title: quote from Supernatural

okay, but hello

Quotes make up a large part of my vocabulary. Most are humorous, some are just nonsensical but all have some sort of relevance to my life. Today's title is a quote from Gilmore Girls from a guy wanting to be noticed. I want to be noticed too. I want to stop living in the shadows of my perfect sisters, to be seen when standing next to my amazing best friend, to not be the one forgotten and to be my own impressive person that people can admire. This is me sharing my thoughts since I can't tell the people that I am closest to that they are part of the problem.