cabin fever

I'm so bored. I have been snowed in since yesterday. On the one hand it's great being home with my family and getting to spend time not having to do anything for anyone. But on the other, I am starting to get a little restless and have no way to run from my feelings. Usually there's something for me to do or somewhere to go so I don't have think or feel. Not today and not for a few days if this keeps up. Damn blizzard warnings. At least my dogs are loving it.

It is most definitely a mess here. Last night I made dinner, beef stroganoff and apple crumble for dessert. I ate a small bit and purged it. But my family loved it. It feels good to please them. While I was cooking my mom commented that "you are getting so skinny Court." The funny part was that just before she said that I was thinking how huge my stomach looked. At work the day before, the kids' grandmother was visiting and looked at me funny. I thought it was because I was doing something wrong but then she asked if I'd lost weight. I admitted a little and she said "I think its more than a little." I don't know what to do with these comments. I mean, they make me feel like I'm getting somewhere but they also pressure me to want to lose more. I don't really feel deserving of the comments and the fact that they are looking so closely at me makes me feel bigger. I'm afraid when I have thoughts like that. They make me feel so far gone in this whole thing. Maybe I'm not as in control as I think I am.