title quote - song Politically Correct by sr71
I was doing well. I was feeling better about myself and life. Then BAM! I'm hanging out with my sister and Laura at the mall. We're at lunch in the food court (sister:california chicken sub; Laura:greek gyro; me:nothing) when the night from a few months ago gets brought up. The one that led to a guy friend deserting me and Laura. And all day long I couldn't stop thinking about that night, about what was said and done. I talked about it before I think, in one of my first blog entries. But all I can think about is what I said to him: "This is what gives girls severe insecurities leading to eating disorders." Then I drank the equivalent of 5 or 6 shots of whiskey in one go. After that things get fuzzy but I remember begging him to tell me why I wasn't good enough, why he had to have my best friend, what could I do so I wasn't worthless. Drunkenly of course. And I remember he spen a great deal of time trying to assure me that I wasn't worthless, that me being good enough wasn't an issue. But then I guess its all negated by the fact that he hasn't spoken to me but once since then. And that was only so he could get his stuff he left at the house. So all I can think is that I hope he gets to see me at some point, so that he can see what he helped push me into. I was already most the way there (back to my disordered ways after years of normalcy), but that night I hold in my mind as the thing that knocked me over the edge, headfirst into a drive for perfection. It was the final straw and I've been dwelling on it for days now. I want him to see the damage he caused. I want him to see the aftermath of what he did. I want to be able to flaunt it in his face, "you tried to talk me out of this, but you helped cause this, look what you did, look how small I am now, am I good enough for you now"
wow that was really therapuetic to get all that out, thanks if you read it. I'm feeling a little bit better now that its off my chest
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