i dont want to be afraid

oh good lord. Can't I ever control myself? The minute I have access to unlimited food and a private bathroom all self control flies out the window. I got home tonight and binged like crazy and purged it. Why do I do this to myself? Do I want to sabotage my progress? Apparently some part of me does. But on the plus side I was allowed to weigh myself again today and I am down to 142.8 from 145 on friday or saturday. I think today's binge may have been brought on by severe stress and anxiety. Today my friend decided to kick our usually apathetic plans of getting an apartment into high gear. She's already waiting to hear from a few places. I'm scared. I'm terrified of being away from my parents. Yes I know I am almost 22 but I am really close to my mother and we have four dogs that are my babies. One in particular is my Belle who I've put up a picture of before. She will be coming with me but moving means I have to find a second job. The one I have now does not pay anything really but I don't want to work anywhere. I hate dealing with people. They are mean, rude, demanding, stupid, and just horrible. I worked in retail a year ago. It lasted 6 months because I can't take being treated like shit by perfect strangers. Not to mention my coworkers and superiors completely devalued me. I have no desire to repeat that experience. But it seems I have to. I am scared of getting out on my own and failing. And of applying for dozens of jobs and being rejected by every single one. It hurts. Rejection hurts even on a small scale like that. Especially now, after that last stupid guy friend flaked out on me. I wish I could say I was going to sleep now, I guess it can't hurt to try.