Thursday, January 27, 2011
failure failure failure
I failed. I suck. I'm so pissed at myself. I broke and ate half a subway sandwich at the urging of my friend and some cookie dough and a cookie once it was cooked. So much fat. I can practically feel fat forming and bubbling under my skin. Its disgusting. I weighed myself. I've gained 4.2 pounds since this morning. How is that even possible? It wasn't even that much food. Only about 2 tablespoons of cookie dough, 1 cookie and 6 inches of a healthy sandwich. 4.2 lbs?! In one day?! What the Fuck?! But I shouldn't have eaten it anyway since I was fasting. Fuck. I will never make it to 119. Not with such a lack of discipline. I'm feeling the urge to cut again. I haven't done that in 5 months. Shit. I feel like I'd be better dead, at least maybe I wouldn't be so miserable and fucking other people up along wit myself. I hate myself right now and I'm worthless. If I never reach my goal I'll never be worth anything.
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I really hope you haven't cut hunni, theres no need to, you haven't been bad. Everyone gains weight during the day, everyone, its the volume of everything you've taken in, even water - which does not make you fat. Only rely on your weight taken at the same time every day under the same conditions. Please don't beat yourself up, it wasn't a binge, it was 'normal' xx
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