title quote - song Politically Correct by sr71
I was doing well. I was feeling better about myself and life. Then BAM! I'm hanging out with my sister and Laura at the mall. We're at lunch in the food court (sister:california chicken sub; Laura:greek gyro; me:nothing) when the night from a few months ago gets brought up. The one that led to a guy friend deserting me and Laura. And all day long I couldn't stop thinking about that night, about what was said and done. I talked about it before I think, in one of my first blog entries. But all I can think about is what I said to him: "This is what gives girls severe insecurities leading to eating disorders." Then I drank the equivalent of 5 or 6 shots of whiskey in one go. After that things get fuzzy but I remember begging him to tell me why I wasn't good enough, why he had to have my best friend, what could I do so I wasn't worthless. Drunkenly of course. And I remember he spen a great deal of time trying to assure me that I wasn't worthless, that me being good enough wasn't an issue. But then I guess its all negated by the fact that he hasn't spoken to me but once since then. And that was only so he could get his stuff he left at the house. So all I can think is that I hope he gets to see me at some point, so that he can see what he helped push me into. I was already most the way there (back to my disordered ways after years of normalcy), but that night I hold in my mind as the thing that knocked me over the edge, headfirst into a drive for perfection. It was the final straw and I've been dwelling on it for days now. I want him to see the damage he caused. I want him to see the aftermath of what he did. I want to be able to flaunt it in his face, "you tried to talk me out of this, but you helped cause this, look what you did, look how small I am now, am I good enough for you now"
wow that was really therapuetic to get all that out, thanks if you read it. I'm feeling a little bit better now that its off my chest
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
I'm doing better today. I don't know why I felt so out of control last night. I didn't cut though. I have learned in the past 5 months or so how to breathe through the feeling. It passes if I don't give in, so I didn't. Instead I did a round of crunches and jump roping to get out the energy that feeling out of control and on the edge gives me. It was remarkably useful. So I will view that as a triumph. I also weighed myself this morning at my usual time and I was back down to 145.2. Still a .2 gain but it's just superficial and will be gone by the end of the day because I'll be walking around all day accompanying my sister while she gets shirts sfor work. And I am reinstating my fast, I just have to not break it. If I don't eat any food I stay strong, if I eat even the smallest amount I lose all control and stuff my face. Well, I'm off to start my day with a better attitude then I ended my last day with. Wish me luck.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
failure failure failure
I failed. I suck. I'm so pissed at myself. I broke and ate half a subway sandwich at the urging of my friend and some cookie dough and a cookie once it was cooked. So much fat. I can practically feel fat forming and bubbling under my skin. Its disgusting. I weighed myself. I've gained 4.2 pounds since this morning. How is that even possible? It wasn't even that much food. Only about 2 tablespoons of cookie dough, 1 cookie and 6 inches of a healthy sandwich. 4.2 lbs?! In one day?! What the Fuck?! But I shouldn't have eaten it anyway since I was fasting. Fuck. I will never make it to 119. Not with such a lack of discipline. I'm feeling the urge to cut again. I haven't done that in 5 months. Shit. I feel like I'd be better dead, at least maybe I wouldn't be so miserable and fucking other people up along wit myself. I hate myself right now and I'm worthless. If I never reach my goal I'll never be worth anything.
we often give our enemies the means for our own destruction
title quote - Aesop the Ancienct Greek fabulist
So we were right, my sister is jealous. She is feeling threatened in some way by my losing weight. Last night after her original comment the previous night ("All I can think when I look at you is that you're skinny and I'm fat and I can't stop eating") she approached me asking what I do. I played dumb at first not wanting to seem like I'm actively trying to lose weight. I play it off for my family like I'm just getting healthier: less junk food, more water, more exercise. So she asked if I go to a gym I told her no, just home exercises like pilates and riding the stationary cycle. She asked what I eat and I kinda panicked. I just told her to eat less junk and to add more fruits and veggies to her diet instead. I don't want her to be like me. I know that what I do isn't exactly good for me. My methods arent advisable. Fasting and purging and obsessive exercising is not the way to go for a normal, happy 17 year old. The worst part for her is that she isnt overweight at all. She isn't super skinny, but she still only weighs 125 pounds and now I've made her feel insecure by losing so much weight. SO I feel like an ass for doing that to my little sister and like an even bigger ass because now I want to lose even more weight so that she can't catch up to me, to prove to everyone that even if she can lose weight too that I can do it even better. Does that make me a terrible person? She asked me if I'd show her the pilates today, so we are supposed to do them together when she gets home from school. Laura has been more weight and food conscious lately too. Am I destroying everyone around me?
So we were right, my sister is jealous. She is feeling threatened in some way by my losing weight. Last night after her original comment the previous night ("All I can think when I look at you is that you're skinny and I'm fat and I can't stop eating") she approached me asking what I do. I played dumb at first not wanting to seem like I'm actively trying to lose weight. I play it off for my family like I'm just getting healthier: less junk food, more water, more exercise. So she asked if I go to a gym I told her no, just home exercises like pilates and riding the stationary cycle. She asked what I eat and I kinda panicked. I just told her to eat less junk and to add more fruits and veggies to her diet instead. I don't want her to be like me. I know that what I do isn't exactly good for me. My methods arent advisable. Fasting and purging and obsessive exercising is not the way to go for a normal, happy 17 year old. The worst part for her is that she isnt overweight at all. She isn't super skinny, but she still only weighs 125 pounds and now I've made her feel insecure by losing so much weight. SO I feel like an ass for doing that to my little sister and like an even bigger ass because now I want to lose even more weight so that she can't catch up to me, to prove to everyone that even if she can lose weight too that I can do it even better. Does that make me a terrible person? She asked me if I'd show her the pilates today, so we are supposed to do them together when she gets home from school. Laura has been more weight and food conscious lately too. Am I destroying everyone around me?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
there is nothing I do better than revenge
title quote - Taylor Swift
You know what sucks? That I was completely right about yesterday. How on earth can a 16 year old not understand that flinging around a public library in one of their desk chairs is not okay? Or that it's not okay to start spinning the desk attachment on a chair disrupting the whole section? Or that when he already can't chill out I am not going to give him 50 cents for cocoa or a cappuccino and when I say no that it also isn't okay to go ask strangers for it? I'm fairly certain that this kid's parents have completely failed him in the social rules of life.
But I did get my journal I was after. Barely made it to the store before they closed, but I got it. When I got home my sister was once again commenting about my weight, but this time it was so much more satisfying because she said it in a truthful way. She said "Everytime I look at you all I can think is that you are so skinny and I'm getting so fat and I still keep eating anyway." All while standing with the refridgerator door open. I felt like I had won something. I have control but she doesn't. I am getting smaller and she's not. I felt awesome after that. I now feel even more empowered to keep going. I still have quite a while to go before anyone may seriously suspect anything, I'm at a "healthy" weight, but I want to be smaller. I'm going to try a 3 day liquid fast. I've never gone for more than 24 hours, but I think if I can complete this, then I can break this plateau I am at. I'm thinking just water and pure juices. I wish I knew someone that has done this so I can know if it will help me. Maybe I'll check PT.
You know what sucks? That I was completely right about yesterday. How on earth can a 16 year old not understand that flinging around a public library in one of their desk chairs is not okay? Or that it's not okay to start spinning the desk attachment on a chair disrupting the whole section? Or that when he already can't chill out I am not going to give him 50 cents for cocoa or a cappuccino and when I say no that it also isn't okay to go ask strangers for it? I'm fairly certain that this kid's parents have completely failed him in the social rules of life.
But I did get my journal I was after. Barely made it to the store before they closed, but I got it. When I got home my sister was once again commenting about my weight, but this time it was so much more satisfying because she said it in a truthful way. She said "Everytime I look at you all I can think is that you are so skinny and I'm getting so fat and I still keep eating anyway." All while standing with the refridgerator door open. I felt like I had won something. I have control but she doesn't. I am getting smaller and she's not. I felt awesome after that. I now feel even more empowered to keep going. I still have quite a while to go before anyone may seriously suspect anything, I'm at a "healthy" weight, but I want to be smaller. I'm going to try a 3 day liquid fast. I've never gone for more than 24 hours, but I think if I can complete this, then I can break this plateau I am at. I'm thinking just water and pure juices. I wish I knew someone that has done this so I can know if it will help me. Maybe I'll check PT.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
dread and hope
Today I have to work again. I'm not looking forward to it at all. The kids had about 4 snow days, so no time class time to work on their big projects with the teacher like they were supposed to get. Naturally, I thought the teacher would then extend the due date a day or two like it used to be when I was in high school. Wrong! The stupid bitch still wants th kids to have it in by Friday even though their entire last week for getting anything done was taken from them. Which means more stress for them and me as the nanny. So its to the library we go this afternoon for research. But I can only take one kid because when they are together they act like wild animals in public. Even the one sort of does on his own so I am dreading the outing. The best part is, that they are both in their teen years now and don't seem to know better. After work though, I am hoping to get over to Barnes and Noble to purchase this beautiful leather journal to fill with my own research. I want to collect recipes in another as well. Hopefully I get off work tonight before they close. Then I will be heading home for the first time since last Wednesday. I miss it. But everytime I go home I get stuck in a b/p cycle. I'm honestly a little scared. But hopefully I am strong enough now to avoid it. I used the word 'hopefully' a lot today, that must mean I have some sort of positive outlook for life today, however small and repressed. Have a good afternoon everyone.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Bon Appetit
I love food. Some people who struggle with eating disorders or dieting will try and tell you the opposite. But quite often it simply isn't true. Who doesn't love biting into a fluffy, buttery biscuit? Or taking a huge bite of sweet and spicy stirfry? Food tastes good. You can't deny it. What we don't like are the calories in the food, the weight the food adds to the body. Now maybe it isn't everyone, but everyone I have met. If we didn't like food we wouldn't end up on binges. But you know what I love almost more than food? Cooking the food. I love creating new things. Changing recipes, forgoing recipes altogether to create something all my own. It makes me feel alive and real.
Food has gotten an unfair rep. It doesn't make me eat it. It isnt the food I hate. It's me. I choose to pick up the cookies. I choose to eat them and keep eating til I'm stuffed. It's my willpower that isnt strong enough. It's me that makes me sick when I look in the mirror, not the food. But maybe with this admission I can marry the two parts. I can cook and create and feel alive while doing so, but then I can strengthen my willpower by not indulging in it. I can move forward and be thin but more than an empty shell.
Food has gotten an unfair rep. It doesn't make me eat it. It isnt the food I hate. It's me. I choose to pick up the cookies. I choose to eat them and keep eating til I'm stuffed. It's my willpower that isnt strong enough. It's me that makes me sick when I look in the mirror, not the food. But maybe with this admission I can marry the two parts. I can cook and create and feel alive while doing so, but then I can strengthen my willpower by not indulging in it. I can move forward and be thin but more than an empty shell.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
i'm just trying to stop the bleeding
title quote - Alibis by Marianas Trench
Typing is going to be difficult today because while slicing lemons and limes this afternoon, I managed to slice my left index finger. It was quite deep and so very painful. I managed to stop the bleeding fairly quickly and I should be able to avoid stitches but it hurts like a bitch. On the plus side, since I'm fasting today the pain in my hand should distract me from any hunger I might feel. I am stuck at a stupid plateau. I'm hovering between 145 and 150 and I can't seem to get lower. Right now I'm only averaging about 3 workouts per week for about 90 minutes. Maybe I should try doing 5 per week and do more intense cardio. The lack of a loss is starting to get me down. I really want to be down 10 lbs by the 14th. I have plans with my friends and I don't wanna go out looking like a hag.
I actually had my friend ask me last night whether I really thought that being thin or weighing a certain amount would mae my life perfect. I couldn't really respond. I mean I know it isnt magic, but unless I am acceptable visually to people, I will never get the chance to make my life perfect for me. No one has ever accepted me or the way I look. Outside of family. I honestly don't think I can be loved or deserving of love until I am thin and pretty. Is that sick? Maybe. Am I wrong in thinking it? Sadly, probably not. The world is cruel.
Typing is going to be difficult today because while slicing lemons and limes this afternoon, I managed to slice my left index finger. It was quite deep and so very painful. I managed to stop the bleeding fairly quickly and I should be able to avoid stitches but it hurts like a bitch. On the plus side, since I'm fasting today the pain in my hand should distract me from any hunger I might feel. I am stuck at a stupid plateau. I'm hovering between 145 and 150 and I can't seem to get lower. Right now I'm only averaging about 3 workouts per week for about 90 minutes. Maybe I should try doing 5 per week and do more intense cardio. The lack of a loss is starting to get me down. I really want to be down 10 lbs by the 14th. I have plans with my friends and I don't wanna go out looking like a hag.
I actually had my friend ask me last night whether I really thought that being thin or weighing a certain amount would mae my life perfect. I couldn't really respond. I mean I know it isnt magic, but unless I am acceptable visually to people, I will never get the chance to make my life perfect for me. No one has ever accepted me or the way I look. Outside of family. I honestly don't think I can be loved or deserving of love until I am thin and pretty. Is that sick? Maybe. Am I wrong in thinking it? Sadly, probably not. The world is cruel.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
must be the moon
title quote- song Must Be the Moon by !!!(Chk Chk Chk)
I slept terribly last night. I'm at my friend's house again because it snowed. Again. So much so that I haven't been home in days once again. But its ok because I expected it this time. Anyway, yesterday my friend gets a paper in the mail from a neighbor saying that they saw someone prowling the neighborhood canvasing houses to and cars to break into the night before and just wanted to warn everyone. Now for a normal person that may not be too bad. However I suffer from an anxiety disorder and when I hear that someone was trying to break into basements and we sleep in a basement I get a little nervous. So much so that we got into our Supernatural Survival Kit (yes, we have one based on the show, maybe I'll tell you more about that later seeing as its awesome) and slept with the knife on the nightstand just in case. I was up til the sun came up, only drifting off long enough to have to jerk myself awake. The night was uneventful and I did not have to use my weaponry on anyone thank goodness. However, the knife is still by my side because now I have an irrational fear of prowlers. Of course maybe watching Investigation Discovery for a few hours yesterday was a bad idea too.
On a brighter note, I discovered I love dance/punk music. In particular the band from today's title quote, !!! (Chk Chk Chk). If you ever want to get moving and dancing around, this would be the music to put on. Hope you all had much less terrifying nights than I did, and maybe enjoy the music.
I slept terribly last night. I'm at my friend's house again because it snowed. Again. So much so that I haven't been home in days once again. But its ok because I expected it this time. Anyway, yesterday my friend gets a paper in the mail from a neighbor saying that they saw someone prowling the neighborhood canvasing houses to and cars to break into the night before and just wanted to warn everyone. Now for a normal person that may not be too bad. However I suffer from an anxiety disorder and when I hear that someone was trying to break into basements and we sleep in a basement I get a little nervous. So much so that we got into our Supernatural Survival Kit (yes, we have one based on the show, maybe I'll tell you more about that later seeing as its awesome) and slept with the knife on the nightstand just in case. I was up til the sun came up, only drifting off long enough to have to jerk myself awake. The night was uneventful and I did not have to use my weaponry on anyone thank goodness. However, the knife is still by my side because now I have an irrational fear of prowlers. Of course maybe watching Investigation Discovery for a few hours yesterday was a bad idea too.
On a brighter note, I discovered I love dance/punk music. In particular the band from today's title quote, !!! (Chk Chk Chk). If you ever want to get moving and dancing around, this would be the music to put on. Hope you all had much less terrifying nights than I did, and maybe enjoy the music.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I wasn't going to post again so soon, but I need someway to feel okay. My sister is critisizing me. My little sister is critiquing my weight. She says I look skinny, but in an accusatory way. Like she doesn't like that I may be finally closing the gap in our looks at least a little. She's used to being the one that gets all the attention, she's the pretty one, the tan one, the tiny one, the blonde one. So I've lost nearly 40 pounds since October, I was huge then and I'm just approaching an okay weight now. I don't need her saying these things. She's the only one that says anything about it like that. She tried to bring negative attention on me saying "do you eat?"Of course. "how much do you weigh?" And I lie, saying I don't know. Like I don't keep track of that every minute of everyday. "doesnt she look skinny mom?" with a sneer in her voice and mom really has nothing to say because she isnt mean. She doesnt lie to make me feel bad. And then my sister's friend chimes in with "yeah, are you anorexic or something?" Really?! I weigh 147.6 pounds. I'm not anorexic, I'm not that even skinny at all. I still bulge and have fat rolls. I'm not small. She just wants me to feel bad and stop so that I don't tread on her territory as the thin, pretty one of the family. Fuck this. She wants to see skinny, she hasn't seen anything yet.
if it weren't for bad luck, i'd have no luck at all
I am caught in a bad week. I got home Monday after being with friends for days and that's when it all started. I've been in a B/P cycle all week. I didn't notice how naturally that behavior came to me until I was left alone in my house and that was the first thing I did. Just mindlessly shoveled food down my throat, only to choke it back up. It was then, bent over the toilet that I could admit to myself, "okay, so maybe we have a problem here." But I push it down so I don't have to feel it and got ready for work.
Work was hell as well. After having gotten a message intended, I assume, for my bosses girlfriend the day before ("kinky" is not an appropriate response when your employee tells you she's stopping by for her check, just saying), and I'm pretty sure he was intoxicted when I showed up, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing that day. I ended up chaufferring the kids for an hour and paying for their school supplies out of my pocket and then driving the half an hour home.
Tuesday was a peach too. Started the day off having 5 different breakfasts, food I don't even like, brownies and peanut butter? Gross, but I ate it anyway. Then I got to work to find once again that my boss has left his girlfriend in charge. I feel constantly scrutinized by her. Maybe she doesn't like a younger woman coming around everyday? But theres nothing to worry about there trust me. So I wrapped up there and headed home in rush hour traffic only to have a part fly off my car! So there I was on the side of a busy highway for nearly an hour waiting for my parents to show up to rescue me. Had to leave my poor car at a weigh station all night. Its home now but not fixed and I have to somehow get to work in 5 hours and my only car alternative has a door that doesnt latch. Great right?
Today I got a text from boss's girlfriend asking my to be there while she goes out tonight, so more hours for me, but not too pleased that she is the one with requests now. And she told me my boss wants me to call him about the kids' grades later. I can only assume its so he can bite my head off about the algebra. Its not my fault the kid cant grasp basic algebra. I do everything I can to get him through and he still screws it up. And that wouldnt be a prolem if his father didnt have such high expectations of him and me. Oh and did I mention that im up half a pound from all this crap?
I'm hoping today is better. Everyday is a chance for things to improve and I'm going to keep believing that. I'm fasting today, I have goals I need to meet. I need to be 135 by Valentine's Day.
Work was hell as well. After having gotten a message intended, I assume, for my bosses girlfriend the day before ("kinky" is not an appropriate response when your employee tells you she's stopping by for her check, just saying), and I'm pretty sure he was intoxicted when I showed up, I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing that day. I ended up chaufferring the kids for an hour and paying for their school supplies out of my pocket and then driving the half an hour home.
Tuesday was a peach too. Started the day off having 5 different breakfasts, food I don't even like, brownies and peanut butter? Gross, but I ate it anyway. Then I got to work to find once again that my boss has left his girlfriend in charge. I feel constantly scrutinized by her. Maybe she doesn't like a younger woman coming around everyday? But theres nothing to worry about there trust me. So I wrapped up there and headed home in rush hour traffic only to have a part fly off my car! So there I was on the side of a busy highway for nearly an hour waiting for my parents to show up to rescue me. Had to leave my poor car at a weigh station all night. Its home now but not fixed and I have to somehow get to work in 5 hours and my only car alternative has a door that doesnt latch. Great right?
Today I got a text from boss's girlfriend asking my to be there while she goes out tonight, so more hours for me, but not too pleased that she is the one with requests now. And she told me my boss wants me to call him about the kids' grades later. I can only assume its so he can bite my head off about the algebra. Its not my fault the kid cant grasp basic algebra. I do everything I can to get him through and he still screws it up. And that wouldnt be a prolem if his father didnt have such high expectations of him and me. Oh and did I mention that im up half a pound from all this crap?
I'm hoping today is better. Everyday is a chance for things to improve and I'm going to keep believing that. I'm fasting today, I have goals I need to meet. I need to be 135 by Valentine's Day.
Monday, January 17, 2011
i keep on dreaming because i can
title quote - Because I Can by Katy Rose
Don't we all have broken dreams? Dreams we've left abandoned either because we thought we couldn't do it or it's too late to achieve whatever it was. Today I'm left pondering mine. My day is one of sad songs and montage fade in/fade outs of lying around different places in my house. I wanted to be a dancer but I was pulled from dance class when I was 6 because we moved. By the time I re-enrolled at 14 I was fat and awkward, a lumbering hippo. I stayed for a year, admiring how the tall, thin beauties floated across the floor, then I quit because I was tired of being in the back, feeling like I was holding back the group because of my weight I couldn't lose. So now I dance alone in my room with no real skill and distantly admire the real dancers. I also dreamed of being loved in high school, by a boyfriend and by a group of friends that I lunched with, shopped with, partied with. Instead I was alone. I've still never had a boyfriend or a group of friends. I'll never know what its like to be young and infatuated. I'll never know what it's like to break curfew riding around with friends. I dreamed of excelling in college and making new friends and starting over once high school failed me. I failed out of college when I once was smart. I made no new friends because it was just like high school. I was still overweight and boys still loved the pretty girls and the girls still stuck with the people they already knew. All the time I've dreamt of being thin and beautiful, and maybe now I'll actually achieve one of my dreams. Being thin at least. I'm down to 147 even, maybe when I'm thin I'll be a new person, invent new dreams and a new future. Start over as someone completely new. Fresh, unmarred, clean and thin.
Don't we all have broken dreams? Dreams we've left abandoned either because we thought we couldn't do it or it's too late to achieve whatever it was. Today I'm left pondering mine. My day is one of sad songs and montage fade in/fade outs of lying around different places in my house. I wanted to be a dancer but I was pulled from dance class when I was 6 because we moved. By the time I re-enrolled at 14 I was fat and awkward, a lumbering hippo. I stayed for a year, admiring how the tall, thin beauties floated across the floor, then I quit because I was tired of being in the back, feeling like I was holding back the group because of my weight I couldn't lose. So now I dance alone in my room with no real skill and distantly admire the real dancers. I also dreamed of being loved in high school, by a boyfriend and by a group of friends that I lunched with, shopped with, partied with. Instead I was alone. I've still never had a boyfriend or a group of friends. I'll never know what its like to be young and infatuated. I'll never know what it's like to break curfew riding around with friends. I dreamed of excelling in college and making new friends and starting over once high school failed me. I failed out of college when I once was smart. I made no new friends because it was just like high school. I was still overweight and boys still loved the pretty girls and the girls still stuck with the people they already knew. All the time I've dreamt of being thin and beautiful, and maybe now I'll actually achieve one of my dreams. Being thin at least. I'm down to 147 even, maybe when I'm thin I'll be a new person, invent new dreams and a new future. Start over as someone completely new. Fresh, unmarred, clean and thin.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tell your friend a lie. If she keeps it secret, then tell her the truth
title quote from an old proverb on thinkexist.com
Today I slept til 2 in the afternoon. After my big shopping day yesterday I was just plain exhausted. As my reward yesterday for reaching my goal weight on time, I purchased the cutest shoes from G by Guess. I'll include a picture though it doesn't nearly do them justice for how badass they are. I also experienced a great victory yesterday as I was able to fit into and purchase a pair of skinny dress pants in a size 4. Size 4! I haven't been this small since high school 4 years ago. I bought a load of other stuff too, like a Converse sweatshirt slightly snug since I'm still dropping weight, and some warm little flats from American Eagle. I was so elated from all the extravagent shopping and weight loss that today turned into an unexpected fast. I didn't intend for it to be when I woke up but as the day went on I decided it would be good to. My body deserves a good cleansing. I drank water and a diet mt. dew for energy. Even though I am at Laura's house again, I was able to avoid dinner because she is the one who got out dinner plates and knew I wouldn't eat it so she got out one less plate so there would be no empty plate on the counter shouting that I hadn't eaten. She even lied to her mom when she was asked if I'd eaten. She knows that this is what I want and that no amount of nagging or forced meals will change my mind, so she's helping me while keeping an eye on me. We are sharing a secret like when we were kids. And now we are playing DDR together, the Disney version. I love Disney, anything better? Didn't think so. Well back to burning those calories to a Disney tune.
Oh and here are my shoes:
Today I slept til 2 in the afternoon. After my big shopping day yesterday I was just plain exhausted. As my reward yesterday for reaching my goal weight on time, I purchased the cutest shoes from G by Guess. I'll include a picture though it doesn't nearly do them justice for how badass they are. I also experienced a great victory yesterday as I was able to fit into and purchase a pair of skinny dress pants in a size 4. Size 4! I haven't been this small since high school 4 years ago. I bought a load of other stuff too, like a Converse sweatshirt slightly snug since I'm still dropping weight, and some warm little flats from American Eagle. I was so elated from all the extravagent shopping and weight loss that today turned into an unexpected fast. I didn't intend for it to be when I woke up but as the day went on I decided it would be good to. My body deserves a good cleansing. I drank water and a diet mt. dew for energy. Even though I am at Laura's house again, I was able to avoid dinner because she is the one who got out dinner plates and knew I wouldn't eat it so she got out one less plate so there would be no empty plate on the counter shouting that I hadn't eaten. She even lied to her mom when she was asked if I'd eaten. She knows that this is what I want and that no amount of nagging or forced meals will change my mind, so she's helping me while keeping an eye on me. We are sharing a secret like when we were kids. And now we are playing DDR together, the Disney version. I love Disney, anything better? Didn't think so. Well back to burning those calories to a Disney tune.
Oh and here are my shoes:
Friday, January 14, 2011
Let each become all that he was created capable of being
title quote by Thomas Carlyle
I did it!! I set out to get my weight under 150 by today, Friday. Yesterday I was 151.4. So I worked out like crazy last night and this morning I got up went about my rituals and with great anticipation I stepped on the scale. It read 149.0. I danced for joy. Today Laura and I are going shopping and this is just where I needed to be to be able to enjoy it. I need to keep getting ready to go but I was just too excited to not to get this out. Everyone out there keep striving for your goals and stay safe. Hmm, maybe I'll get a new handbag today....
I did it!! I set out to get my weight under 150 by today, Friday. Yesterday I was 151.4. So I worked out like crazy last night and this morning I got up went about my rituals and with great anticipation I stepped on the scale. It read 149.0. I danced for joy. Today Laura and I are going shopping and this is just where I needed to be to be able to enjoy it. I need to keep getting ready to go but I was just too excited to not to get this out. Everyone out there keep striving for your goals and stay safe. Hmm, maybe I'll get a new handbag today....
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Craptastic start, but not a bad finish
Today started out terribly. I woke up at 8 am after next to no sleep because Laura had to go back to school which means no more fun times for us until Spring Break. Then I was nauseous all morning and fell asleep without setting an alarm, so I slept all afternoon. When I finally woke up at 3 I got a text from my boss saying I need to be there in one hour instead of 3. How crappy is that? So then I had to speed up my day, by rushing through a workout and getting ready when I realized my shirt is too see-through for work. Crap, so I had to borrow a tanktop.Then I lost my keys for 20 minutes, and finally went out in the freezing cold snow and my car wouldn't start. Great. So I had to call my boss and he said that's ok because the kids didn't go to school and his girlfriend is gonna watch the kids while he goes out for band practice. WTF? Now I missed out on 3 hours of work. That is seriously important for me. And then I started my period which made me seriously bloated. BUT on the bright side I finally made it home to my baby Belle, I got to have some shrimp and garlic sauce from my favorite takeout place, I lost 1 more pound, and took a couple pictures of myself that I happen to kind of like. So the day is not a total loss, but hopefully tomorrow won't have such a crappy start. Here is my new picture, let me know what you think:
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Stranded
no quote today, too depressed to think of one
Still stuck at my friend's house. I am beginning to be angry at the snow. I have nothing safe here. No safe foods, no safe way to avoid food without scrutiny, and no way to find out my weight. They don't have a scale here that I have access too. But that last one doesn't matter much seeing as I don't trust any scale but my own anyhow. Dinner just passed and I managed to get away with a few spoonfuls of corn, hamburger meat the size of a medium meatball, and a few onion slices. Other than coffee and a few sips of Sprite that is all I have consumed since dinner last night. I think I did well. I just wish I knew my weight! I am scared that I may have gained, but I know thats irrational. Even so, I can't stop obsessing over every piece of flab on my body. My stomach, my arms, my face (which looks especially bloated today), and my thighs. Will I ever reach my goals? It feels like I never get any closer, like when you have a dream that you are running toward a door at the end of a long hallway and the hallway just keeps extending. Well, time to workout and run for that door.
Still stuck at my friend's house. I am beginning to be angry at the snow. I have nothing safe here. No safe foods, no safe way to avoid food without scrutiny, and no way to find out my weight. They don't have a scale here that I have access too. But that last one doesn't matter much seeing as I don't trust any scale but my own anyhow. Dinner just passed and I managed to get away with a few spoonfuls of corn, hamburger meat the size of a medium meatball, and a few onion slices. Other than coffee and a few sips of Sprite that is all I have consumed since dinner last night. I think I did well. I just wish I knew my weight! I am scared that I may have gained, but I know thats irrational. Even so, I can't stop obsessing over every piece of flab on my body. My stomach, my arms, my face (which looks especially bloated today), and my thighs. Will I ever reach my goals? It feels like I never get any closer, like when you have a dream that you are running toward a door at the end of a long hallway and the hallway just keeps extending. Well, time to workout and run for that door.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Food Is Not Love
Tonight I am stranded at Laura's house. I got off work and the roads had been covered in snow, making it impossible to drive all the way home. So, since Laura's house is so close to my work I ended up there. This wouldn't be so bad except I miss my Bella, my puppy, because I promised her I wouldn't be gone for long this time. I also planned to workout when I got home, now I have to improvise and do it in front of Laura which makes me really self-concious. And a really terrible part is that her om is making a huge dinner that I am expected to eat. It is nearly impossible to get out of it. Its homemade waffles, eggs, bacon, and fruit salad. There's no way I can eat all that and meet my goal by Friday. There is also no way I can eat it and purge it the way I would at home, because there is no privacy here. There is also no way I can just not take any food either because that will get noticed and make her mom feel bad. I hate how people have so many feelings tied up in food. It makes everyone who isn't that warped, feel bad for not having a sick attachment to food. Food. Is. Not. Love. Now repeat. So I am thinking that I will take food, and when we go to the basement I will cut it up in small pieces and move it around the plate, but I can eat the fruit because nothing else is added to it. I already ate a cereal bar(130) for breakfast and cheese and crackers(275) at work. That is insane that I have already consumed so much. I wish I was home so I could go about my life in its normal way. I don't know how I am going to do my cardio here, I guess I will have to make use of DDR or something. This seriously blows.
This is my baby Belle. She is my life, and I love her more than anything in the world.
This is my baby Belle. She is my life, and I love her more than anything in the world.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Yeah, like she could control herself
title quote - a girl we have nicknamed the Round One, that eats everything in sight and is generally a fat cow, was watching TV with me when a dieting commercial came on where a woman turned down a pastry. And the title was her response. It was hysterical because she was deadly serious
So, I am down 3 lbs since yesterday morning. I started an intense workout/exercise routine. I made an amazing dinner for my family, Spinach Mushroom and Onion Calzones in case you were wondering. They were amazing. I ate one. Then I threw it up. Then I ate felt depressed that I had cracked and eaten so then I ate some ice cream. Counter productive, no? And then I threw that up too. Then I rode the stationary for 25 minutes. Tomorrow I have a plan. My days work better if I have a plan. I am allowed water, coke zero, 2 sugar free Jellos and if I absolutely can't get out of it, 5 bites of dinner, and if I can get out it I will have a packet of broth instead. I am extactic about my weight loss. My goal for this week is to be under 150 by Friday. I think it is absolutely attainable. And on that note, I'm going to keep up a positive attitude and drift off to dreamland.
So, I am down 3 lbs since yesterday morning. I started an intense workout/exercise routine. I made an amazing dinner for my family, Spinach Mushroom and Onion Calzones in case you were wondering. They were amazing. I ate one. Then I threw it up. Then I ate felt depressed that I had cracked and eaten so then I ate some ice cream. Counter productive, no? And then I threw that up too. Then I rode the stationary for 25 minutes. Tomorrow I have a plan. My days work better if I have a plan. I am allowed water, coke zero, 2 sugar free Jellos and if I absolutely can't get out of it, 5 bites of dinner, and if I can get out it I will have a packet of broth instead. I am extactic about my weight loss. My goal for this week is to be under 150 by Friday. I think it is absolutely attainable. And on that note, I'm going to keep up a positive attitude and drift off to dreamland.
Friday, January 7, 2011
inside
What I ate today:
FiberPlus bar chocolate coconut -120 cal
Two pink lemonade drink mixes - 20 cal
Melba toast - 38 cal
Chocolate rice cake - 60 cal
238 cal, nice but not impressive
What I had to watch everyone else eat:
Double Cheeseburgers - 421 cal a piece
Hamburger Stew - 350 cal per bowl
Marzipan - 200 cal
Rice cakes with spread - 110 cal
Croutons - 100 cal
Chocolate fig - 85 cal
Bacon Sanwich - 600 cal
I watched a kid eat 2 double cheeseburgers. I watched my friend eat 2 heaping bowls of stew. I watched her eat marzipan and chocolate figs. I watched her then consume rice cakes with cream cheese spread. Then I watched her top it off by eating croutons from the bag. And somehow she still weighs 25 lbs less than me. Then I went upstairs to find her mother eating a bacon sandwich complete with mayonnaise. She had also eaten 2 bowls of stew and countless other things throughout the day as did Laura. How can people eat so much? Laura is always going on about how she feels flabby but then eats like crap and doesn't do any activity. And her mother is overweight and always wanting to lose weight but then makes bacon sandwiches and cake balls. I just can't comprehend feeling like crap about myself and then stuffing my face with food that's only going to add to the problem and then not feeling bad about it. These people have no self control, they just grab whatever they see. And maybe its rude or mean to get so bothered by fat people eating bad food but its just how I feel. Laura isnt fat obviously, she just has poor eating habits and no self-discipline. What bothers me with her is her lack of consistency. She wants one thing but does nothing to help herself get it. Well I guess I'll show them all a thing or two about self control.
FiberPlus bar chocolate coconut -120 cal
Two pink lemonade drink mixes - 20 cal
Melba toast - 38 cal
Chocolate rice cake - 60 cal
238 cal, nice but not impressive
What I had to watch everyone else eat:
Double Cheeseburgers - 421 cal a piece
Hamburger Stew - 350 cal per bowl
Marzipan - 200 cal
Rice cakes with spread - 110 cal
Croutons - 100 cal
Chocolate fig - 85 cal
Bacon Sanwich - 600 cal
I watched a kid eat 2 double cheeseburgers. I watched my friend eat 2 heaping bowls of stew. I watched her eat marzipan and chocolate figs. I watched her then consume rice cakes with cream cheese spread. Then I watched her top it off by eating croutons from the bag. And somehow she still weighs 25 lbs less than me. Then I went upstairs to find her mother eating a bacon sandwich complete with mayonnaise. She had also eaten 2 bowls of stew and countless other things throughout the day as did Laura. How can people eat so much? Laura is always going on about how she feels flabby but then eats like crap and doesn't do any activity. And her mother is overweight and always wanting to lose weight but then makes bacon sandwiches and cake balls. I just can't comprehend feeling like crap about myself and then stuffing my face with food that's only going to add to the problem and then not feeling bad about it. These people have no self control, they just grab whatever they see. And maybe its rude or mean to get so bothered by fat people eating bad food but its just how I feel. Laura isnt fat obviously, she just has poor eating habits and no self-discipline. What bothers me with her is her lack of consistency. She wants one thing but does nothing to help herself get it. Well I guess I'll show them all a thing or two about self control.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
There is only you and your camera. The limitations...are in yourself, for what we see is what we are.
title quote by Ernst Haas
I used to make youtube videos. I loved it. I still have my channel but nothing new has been posted in about a year. I stopped making videos once I realized I could never make the kind of videos I wanted, like artistic ones, music ones, ones that needed acting because I realized one day that I am not attractive. I have a slight problem with my mouth movements when I speak, you can see it on the old ones, and I noticed how huge I looked. I got embarrassed and self-conscious so I stopped and put it out of my mind.
The yesterday I got the idea to make videos just for me. Why do I need to put them on youtube? I thought that validated them or something. But now I can make any video I want any way I want and not have to be worried that someone will make fun of me like they sometimes used to do. So last night I started making myself a video to keep me inspired on my weight loss goal. It keeps me busy when I am bored and want to eat and gives me something to look at to feel like I accomplished something.
my old channel is deathbysnapple in case you were curious
I used to make youtube videos. I loved it. I still have my channel but nothing new has been posted in about a year. I stopped making videos once I realized I could never make the kind of videos I wanted, like artistic ones, music ones, ones that needed acting because I realized one day that I am not attractive. I have a slight problem with my mouth movements when I speak, you can see it on the old ones, and I noticed how huge I looked. I got embarrassed and self-conscious so I stopped and put it out of my mind.
The yesterday I got the idea to make videos just for me. Why do I need to put them on youtube? I thought that validated them or something. But now I can make any video I want any way I want and not have to be worried that someone will make fun of me like they sometimes used to do. So last night I started making myself a video to keep me inspired on my weight loss goal. It keeps me busy when I am bored and want to eat and gives me something to look at to feel like I accomplished something.
my old channel is deathbysnapple in case you were curious
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
the wishes turn very bad
Title Quote - Supernatural, when Dean wishes for a sandwich that later gives him food poisoning
Yesteday I did well with my fast. I felt good and clean. I went grocery shopping with Laura at 3am and we got a million healthy groceries. It kinda freaks me out that she bases her grocery list off of mine and asks me for caloric information on things. She knows about my eating habits or lack thereof. And she worries about me like a good best friend should but she also kind of supports me. She watches me not eat, asks me if its ok if she eats in front of me, and helps me hide it from other people. At the same time she tells me I don't need to be doing this, and that I'm pretty the way I am. So I'm thankful I have her, because she lets me do what I feel I need to do without harrassing me but I can trust that if it gets too dangerous she will help me.
She also took care of me today when I woke up severely ill. I caught a bug from my family and was vomiting all day long. The only thing I've been able to keep down is part of a Jello cup and some soup broth. I'm finally feeling better this evening but my dad did too when he had this and it would hit him again the next morning, so I guess we'll see. That's what I get for wishing to be thin huh? A horrible stomach bug to prevent me from eating. Life is funny.
Yesteday I did well with my fast. I felt good and clean. I went grocery shopping with Laura at 3am and we got a million healthy groceries. It kinda freaks me out that she bases her grocery list off of mine and asks me for caloric information on things. She knows about my eating habits or lack thereof. And she worries about me like a good best friend should but she also kind of supports me. She watches me not eat, asks me if its ok if she eats in front of me, and helps me hide it from other people. At the same time she tells me I don't need to be doing this, and that I'm pretty the way I am. So I'm thankful I have her, because she lets me do what I feel I need to do without harrassing me but I can trust that if it gets too dangerous she will help me.
She also took care of me today when I woke up severely ill. I caught a bug from my family and was vomiting all day long. The only thing I've been able to keep down is part of a Jello cup and some soup broth. I'm finally feeling better this evening but my dad did too when he had this and it would hit him again the next morning, so I guess we'll see. That's what I get for wishing to be thin huh? A horrible stomach bug to prevent me from eating. Life is funny.
beauty is the promise of happiness
Title Quote by Stendhal
Am I disordered? I don't know. I've never been dignosed. All I know are my own actions and thoughts. Like right now, I am feeling triumphant for fasting for an entire day. Not one bit of food went into my mouth, though I was tempted by dinner and the chocolate cake balls that were made tonite. But I was strong. Only water for me. I feel so clean. And at the same time I feel fat and worthless. I have lost 20 lbs since October but I don't feel any different. My BMI is 24.8, so I'm technically not overweight, but that doesn't mean I feel normal. I'm setting a goal of being 125 lbs by May 1st. That's 30 lbs I need to lose. That means restricting and exercising. Fasting and controlling. I want to look beautiful at my little sister's graduation and for my 22nd birthday. I want to be seen, I want to be special.
Am I disordered? I don't know. I've never been dignosed. All I know are my own actions and thoughts. Like right now, I am feeling triumphant for fasting for an entire day. Not one bit of food went into my mouth, though I was tempted by dinner and the chocolate cake balls that were made tonite. But I was strong. Only water for me. I feel so clean. And at the same time I feel fat and worthless. I have lost 20 lbs since October but I don't feel any different. My BMI is 24.8, so I'm technically not overweight, but that doesn't mean I feel normal. I'm setting a goal of being 125 lbs by May 1st. That's 30 lbs I need to lose. That means restricting and exercising. Fasting and controlling. I want to look beautiful at my little sister's graduation and for my 22nd birthday. I want to be seen, I want to be special.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I saw few die of hunger; of eating, a hundred thousand
Title Quote by Benjamin Franklin
I am writing to keep myself from eating. I have filled myself with coffee and water and I hope to God I can keep control. Everyone is eating dinner around me. It smells so good and garlic-y. Dinner is garlic chicken and potatoes. It's so delicious looking. But I am watching people eating and at the same time a makeover show is on the television and that reminds me that if I take a plate of that food (no matter how delicious) I will not be suffering just like the girl on the television. She is crying and battling her body to fit into the clothes for the makeover. She has gained weight and feels undeserving of attention and the clothes don't fit or flatter the way they should. I don't want to be that. I want to be the girl that is beautiful, that can slip into any outfit and have it flatter and fit me without struggling and breaking down. I want the tears of happiness that come with looking in the mirror and realizing how beautiful you are. And I won't get any of that if I eat that plate of food. Luckily the moment of weakness seems to have passed. I need to get through 2 days of fasting so that my stomach is shrunk enough so that I'm not as hungry when I do have to eat. I feel stronger now. Now I can go on with my night and my fast.
I am writing to keep myself from eating. I have filled myself with coffee and water and I hope to God I can keep control. Everyone is eating dinner around me. It smells so good and garlic-y. Dinner is garlic chicken and potatoes. It's so delicious looking. But I am watching people eating and at the same time a makeover show is on the television and that reminds me that if I take a plate of that food (no matter how delicious) I will not be suffering just like the girl on the television. She is crying and battling her body to fit into the clothes for the makeover. She has gained weight and feels undeserving of attention and the clothes don't fit or flatter the way they should. I don't want to be that. I want to be the girl that is beautiful, that can slip into any outfit and have it flatter and fit me without struggling and breaking down. I want the tears of happiness that come with looking in the mirror and realizing how beautiful you are. And I won't get any of that if I eat that plate of food. Luckily the moment of weakness seems to have passed. I need to get through 2 days of fasting so that my stomach is shrunk enough so that I'm not as hungry when I do have to eat. I feel stronger now. Now I can go on with my night and my fast.
Monday, January 3, 2011
because you're a bad person
Last night an old friend came by. He came to get his things that he left here because he is severing ties with me and Laura. But when he'd gone, he left a black hole of misery that sucked everyone in. I hadn't seen him in a month, not since the big blow-up between the 3 of us. He confessed feelings for her after kissing me, after I'd confessed feelings for him. Stupidly complicated right? I am invisible next to her. Since she doesn't return his feelings he walked away from both of us, sending me the message that being rejected by her is worth more than being friends with me. That on top of being rejected in a more romantic aspect was a sharp knife.
So he came by and he looked so different. He hasn't been taking care of himself, he hadn't shaved in at least a week and looked miserable with dead eyes. He was here for barely 10 minutes, long enough to get in, take his things and leave with barely a goodbye. And I have no doubt that that was the last we'll see of him for a long time.
I want to be mad but it's just too depressing but thanks for being one more person to show me that I am not worthwhile.
title: quote from Supernatural
So he came by and he looked so different. He hasn't been taking care of himself, he hadn't shaved in at least a week and looked miserable with dead eyes. He was here for barely 10 minutes, long enough to get in, take his things and leave with barely a goodbye. And I have no doubt that that was the last we'll see of him for a long time.
I want to be mad but it's just too depressing but thanks for being one more person to show me that I am not worthwhile.
title: quote from Supernatural
okay, but hello
Quotes make up a large part of my vocabulary. Most are humorous, some are just nonsensical but all have some sort of relevance to my life. Today's title is a quote from Gilmore Girls from a guy wanting to be noticed. I want to be noticed too. I want to stop living in the shadows of my perfect sisters, to be seen when standing next to my amazing best friend, to not be the one forgotten and to be my own impressive person that people can admire. This is me sharing my thoughts since I can't tell the people that I am closest to that they are part of the problem.
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