my day out

The last few days have been a little rough. I'm trying so hard to pick myself up and be happier but this life I'm living makes it nearly impossible. Every day I wake up depressed. The first thing  do is weigh myself then I go to the bathroom and then weigh myself again. And that number determines how I feel, if its lower: my depression subsides and I have a good day. If its higher: I'm more depressed than before and my day is shit.


Yesterday my friend and I went out on the town. We spent hours in the art museum in the city and while I was there I barely thought about my weight except when we passed a tiny girl with her boyfriend. She made me feel awful. But we had fun and took some pictures (that made me feel kinda bad too). Then we went to the really posh mall downtown and I had a bit of a breakdown. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Looking at all the girls wandering around with their bags of tiny clothes that I can never wear and the boys that never look at me because Im ugly and fat;  just couldnt take it. So we left there not long after and went to our favorite cafe where we know the owner and that was better. We had a bit of a talk about depression and life and it was all very serious. I don't know if it helped or not and tonight I'm supposed to go up to church with my parents to meet these boys that are giving us a tour of the place.


I don't know if anything has a point anymore or if anything will ever make me happy. I am afraid of trying things and finding out they won't work and being more down because nothing is working. Does that make sense? Am I pretty far gone?

new developments

Just filmed a few videos. Cant decide if I want to edit them tonight or wait til tomorrow. I mentioned my weightloss and weight issues just a little, but I was only honest enough on that subject to mention that I may have had issues and tried to sound healthier than I am. I feel bad, but that is the only subject I couldnt be one hundred percent about. Some people see that channel and I dont want to be getting in trouble with that right now. But I am glad that I am filming again in general, even if its a little jarring. It makes me feel connected to the world, even if no one is even watching. Anyone have any ideas for another video?

On an ED related note though, I have started taking a diuretic. I dropped so much weight in one day because I was just so bloated and am all the time. I retain water like crazy! Anyway, so thats a new creepy development. Has anyone ever had any bad side effects with those?

changes, achievements, and drama

I feel like my posts are like a roller coaster. One day Im being up and positive then the next im as low as you can be. But I think Ive had a breakthrough. I did get that skirt the other day alaong with a ton of other clothes in a massive purchase. So yesterday after a long night of severe depression, crying, and a long talk with someone, I realized so many things wrong in my life and that I was wanting to do certain things but I am just afraid to do so. One of those things is exploring religion. So I went to church yesterday morning. It was nice and I feel so much better. Im clearer and have some of my spirit back.

On another note, I am back down to 141.6. thats a loss of 8 lbs sine Friday. I havent binged or purged since then either. Though Ive not been exercising, I have eaten a few meals. So thats exciting too. Oh and I developed a recipe for Rocky Road Cookies Im dying to test out.

And right now Im talking to a friend that s my best friend's ex boyfriend. My BFF is dwelling on him and thinks that she may spend her spring break trying to get back together even though no one has any idea if he's even willing. And just the now, after spending last night talking with my BFF about how much she is still hung up on him, he sends me a porn link and asks if I want to do something. I want to physically, but I just can't in good conscience. So I instead told him how much my BFF still wants to be with him. His response was a simple ok. Not that I expected much else, but its killing me that I cant tell her about this because it would unravel alot of bad things Ive done that would demolish our friendship. What do I do?

what is the point/i might be giving up

im depressed and bored and I dont want to be here anymore. my life is empty and i feel completely trapped in it. nothing fills the emptyness I feel in my heart or soul. i just want to lay down and never get up. but i keep going because im supposed to, surviving on what gives momentary satisfaction like shopping, or food or exercise or television. i hate myself and i feel worthless. i want to ask an old friend how theyve been but Im still too mad at him to do it. i want to go out somewhere but i cant. theres no where to go and no one to go with. my best friend has left me to go out with her slutty frends that im not good enough for and my sister is out at a school dance with all her friends. everyone is out and dolled up but im at home alone on saturday night in my sweats. whats the point in being alive if you're miserable the whole time?

changing directions and finding religion??

I had a huge blow up with my best friend last night. Well all day yesterday really. Mostly because I am a freak. I am the only one I know (that is under the age of 40) that does not enjoy partying with strangers, going to a bar just to get wasted, and a plethora of other things I find distasteful. I think its irresponsible to go for cocktails between classes in Pharmacy School. I think its sleazy to go out on a saturday night to multiple bars and clubs getting plastered and dancing on strangers. I know I'm in the minority but my best friend used to back me up on this. Now she's joining these girls she's in school with doing these things. She doesnt understand whats wrong with drinking at 1130 on wednesday morning. She thinks that because its what "everyone else" does that she should experience it too. And thats not the person I was friends with for 11 years. So yeah, I'm upset and I feel entirely alone. I am the only person I know of that doesn't enjoy or condone that behavior. So I'm a freak and I'm being left alone. I guess I always knew I wasnt good enough for the general public, hence the self-esteem issues and self harm in various forms.


But I am changing directions. I am going to distance myself from her a bit if thats the life she is going to lead. I don't want to do those things so we can't hang out when she does them. Instead I am going to go to the only place where people may believe the same things I do: church. Let her have her partying ways and see where it gets her and I will go to church and see where that gets me. I've hardly ever been to church in my 21 years and this one is a little different than what I'm used to, seeing as its of the mormon religion. But my family invites the elders into our home once a week for scripture readings so it should go all right, though they do prefer women to wear skirts in church. And I am nothing if not respectful so.........


Now I am off to buy a skirt of knee-length to wear to church on sunday. Wow I never thought I would say those words.

waking up confused

I had beakfast this morning because I am stupid and thought that today was the end of the fast but it wasn't actually until tomorrow. So since the weight just sort of fell off during the 2 days I fasted, I restarted at noon and am going to focus on every twelve hours. I am not setting a particular amount of days because that just ensures failure for me. I'm going to fast for twelve hours and then if I'm still good, I fast for twelve more and so on. I'm better with short term goals.

Also I am wanting to make a video today. I amfeeling that pull to do it, but I have no idea what to film. I have two more in my Dolls of Our Lives-Meet the Cast series I could put up but I kinda want to put up something different before I put another one up. I don't know. I wish it was Spring already. Does anyone know what that darn groundhog predicted?

follow your bliss

title quote - Hellcats quoting Joseph Campbell

Just finished watching last week's Hellcats and damn do I love that show. Drama and Cheering. I love cheer. I was never on a cheer squad, I was never athletic enough, but I love competitive cheerleading. Its very inspiring to me. I wonder how life would be different for me if I had been a cheerleader...

Yesteday was a success with my juice fast. No solid foods, only homemade juices and lots of water. So far I think my favorite juice was the Lemon, Orange, Grapes, and Pear.  It was delicious. Today for lunch/breakfast I had a cucumber, celery, apple juice. Very green but very good and invigorating.

I might start learning some of the cheer routines they do on Hellcats and some other shows/movies and incorporate them as part of my workout. Does anyone know of any good ones?

cleansing the system

I weighed myself this morning. i have ballooned up to 147. It took 2 days to set me back 3 weeks in weightloss. I want to die. My best friend ate everything the same as me and I worked out and she didnt but I'm the only one that gained anything.  How does that even happen? But she says she feel terrible and asked me about something to cleanse her system because she knows about my disordered shit I deal with and that I would know about it. Her words, not mine. So we are both doing a juice cleanse. But it just pisses me off that she's ok with it if it benefits her too. But if I was the only one wanting to do this, she'd be pissy and shoving food at me and trying to embarrass me into eating in front of everyone like she's started doing a few weeks ago. Whatever. It's not like she has the willpower to do it anyway. She wont last 1 day let alone 3. We did a fast back at the beginning of the year and she didnt even make it 12 hours, so this should be amusing at least. She wants to do 3 days but I'm going to shoot for 5. Then we'll see from there. I have no time to screw around now that I've set myself back. I have 11 weeks to lose 27 pounds. This has to happen.

two day long binge. no purging. this blows. it was fun at the time but now that im coming out of it i realize how much of a fat ass i must be. i probably weigh about 148 by now. even though yesterday morning i was 141. thats only 22 lbs from my ultimate goal...for now. i've given myself til May to reach said goal of 119 so this setback shouldnt be too bad in the long run. we'll see what happens

we all hate me

Well fuck. Today started out so well. Now I am in tears. Everyone is constantly making me feel like shit. Like I don't already know I need a job? Like I don't already think about everything thats wrong in my life? Thank you for fucking telling me that I am soooo depressing to talk to. I'm sorry I was born into a family that is predestined to live out a crappy, paycheck to paycheck piece of shit life. And I'm fucking sorry that it's holding you back. I'm sorry you want to get an apartment together but my life doesn't work out in my favor the way yours does. Okay? Don't you think I want to change my life? Don't you think I want things to be better and to have money and to move out of my parents basement? I'm sorry my bag magically didn't have the right clothes in it tht it should have and that now I can't go looking for jobs tomorrow because I don't have nice things. I have one pair of nice pants and one shirt that matches. Im sorry they arent here for me to wear and that I can't afford to buy replacements. I'm so fucking sorry that I am a failure. Is it enough yet? Will it ever be?

good days

Today is going better already. Though I ended up sleeping through my alarms so I did not get to go job hunting today, I filled out some online applications to make up for it and will try again tomorrow. I managed to film a video in my pajamas this afternoon and successfully uploaded it to youtube with no complications. Oh and did I mention that I am down to 141.8! I'm so excited about it. I'm hoping to get to 138 by friday, but who knows. I had a bit of Danon Lite & Fit vanilla yogurt this morning with some frozen berries (85 cal) which is nice. I'm hoping to get through the day on just that and some water then for dinner have those crackers I bought yesterday with tomato on. That reminds me-

Kirrari - this morning after I had breakfast I found that we have those fruit crisps! My mom must have bought them. I'm gonna try those tomorrow for my breakfast. :)

I hope everyone's day goes nicely. =)

I have to go job hunting today.  I really don't want to. I looked through an employment journal but it seemed the only things I am qualified for are janitorial positions and plasma donations. I applied for a job already at a cosmetics counter but I doubt I'll get that. I want a job but if I get this it could mean the end of my current job. Which scares me. I will miss the kids immensely. But I don't even know if that will happen, probably not. On the plus side I found those Special K crackers that Ive been looking for forever and I controlled mysef so well when I baked a million cookies tonight. When can I enjoy my life? When do I get a life to enjoy?

it's never easy

So far my day has not gotten much better. I've been awake for far too long but there really isnt time for a nap. Hellcats is on tonight but I probably won't be off work in time to see it. I can't seem to get to a good place to film today and I have a ton to film. And I've had to yet again defend myself about weightloss to my sister. I can't walk into a room in a tank top if she's around or she'll comment. Hell, she said something the other day when I was bundled up for the snowpocalyspe. "Mom, make her stop. She's making me feel fat." I know she was joking there, but still. Saying I look like I've lost more weight is not what I need right now especially since my weight is not cooperating. But at least I'm winning? I don't even know anymore. I still feel awkward and fat all the time. Does it get better? Or do I just get sucked in even worse and nothing is ever truly enough? Oh well whatever. Here's a picture of my new haircut I got a week ago and what it looks like pulled back, I'm still unsure about it at times. This is just a blah kind of day.

                              

i wanna hang on to something that won't break away or fall apart

title quote - Globes and Maps by Something Corporate
Dreaming is supposed to be a pleasant escape from reality. Something your mind does to occupy and entertain you while it and your body recharges. It isn't supposed to torment you with things that won't happen. I shouldn't have mentioned the guy friend in my blog last night before bed. I dreamt that he was speaking to me again, that we were texting and that things were getting better. In the same dream I was applying for a job at Tiffany&Co but wrote PrettyThin on the essay portion as in "I would look forward to working at PrettyThin" and had to do a hasty and stealthy application retrieval so as not to be found out. That part was pretty entertaining. But to wake up and for a brief moment think that things were normal between me and my old friend was a little shattering. Let's hope the rest of the day goes better than starting off with disappointment.

i dont want to be afraid

oh good lord. Can't I ever control myself? The minute I have access to unlimited food and a private bathroom all self control flies out the window. I got home tonight and binged like crazy and purged it. Why do I do this to myself? Do I want to sabotage my progress? Apparently some part of me does. But on the plus side I was allowed to weigh myself again today and I am down to 142.8 from 145 on friday or saturday. I think today's binge may have been brought on by severe stress and anxiety. Today my friend decided to kick our usually apathetic plans of getting an apartment into high gear. She's already waiting to hear from a few places. I'm scared. I'm terrified of being away from my parents. Yes I know I am almost 22 but I am really close to my mother and we have four dogs that are my babies. One in particular is my Belle who I've put up a picture of before. She will be coming with me but moving means I have to find a second job. The one I have now does not pay anything really but I don't want to work anywhere. I hate dealing with people. They are mean, rude, demanding, stupid, and just horrible. I worked in retail a year ago. It lasted 6 months because I can't take being treated like shit by perfect strangers. Not to mention my coworkers and superiors completely devalued me. I have no desire to repeat that experience. But it seems I have to. I am scared of getting out on my own and failing. And of applying for dozens of jobs and being rejected by every single one. It hurts. Rejection hurts even on a small scale like that. Especially now, after that last stupid guy friend flaked out on me. I wish I could say I was going to sleep now, I guess it can't hurt to try.

counting sheeps and froggy leaps

title quote - Ferrets on youtube by SecretAgentBob I think. amusing videos

Insomnia is starting to get to me. I've always been a sufferer but it gets worse when I restrict. But the great part about it is that insomnia fuels creativity. So once again I am active on youtube. I am deathbysnapple once more. Staying up making videos is also a fantastic way to avoid eating. You lose yourself in creation and food ceases to be an issue. It's rather magnificent. Since I started filming again I've already lost a pound. I also find that this "thing," a disorder or whatever, also fuels the creativity in me, every time it flares up so does my creativity. I wonder why that is, the ill feeding the arts. Its fairly common all through history. Anyway, I guess that's all I got right now. I'm gonna take a nap so I can function for work later.  Not good to take care of kids while sleep-deprived. Have a good day.

You rocks think you're so smart

title quote - Dean Winchester of Supernatural. he tried to explode a rock with amusing results

Its almost 5 am. I am still awake. Insomnia blows. Fighting with your best friend blows harder. I am losing motivation in life. But being this tired and unable to sleep gives me a near drunken/drugged-out state of mind. I can do things I'm usually too scared to do. Like actually post on prettythin. I'm normally too chickenshit. Not tonight. No not tonight. I just realized I rarely use quotes as titles anymore. Well I'll give this a good one.

Questions without Answers

its late. I'm thinking of starting a Video Diary. Writing isnt helping as much as I had hoped. Maybe talking and saying it outloud would be better. But that begs the question: Do I put it online? Should I let people see me in my natural state, not edited in type? My problem here is that I want someone to see me, to understand me. Would anyone watch? Would anyone understand? Can someone answer any of these questions? If people see this at all....

Before and After

Sometimes you just need a reminder so you don't fall off the deep end. Something that can prove to you that yes you have made progress, you have changed. This morning I was going through old pictures in my laptop when I came across my Progress folder. I looked through it and had taken pictures at my goal weights. 175 and 165 i believe. And now at about 145 (I'm not allowed to weigh myself for a few days) I decided to take more pictures to compare them. And I honestly didn't think it would look any different. I don't feel different. I still feel as though I am that big heavy girl. And when I look in the mirror I still see fat everywhere, but when I take these pictures and put them next to each other, I dont know. It puts things in perspective.

Before

                        

                       

After 

mirror lie to me

Dude, I am killing myself trying to get this damn weight off. My body is fighting me so hard just to get under the 140s. I've barely been eating, most days my food is under 400 calories except for my few b/p slip ups. Yesterday all I ate was a teeny bowl of salad, no dressing, that I didn't even finish. Please tell me how I've barely moved 5 pounds since a month ago. I want it gone. I've done fasting, I've done extreme exercising, I've done the eat something small to boost your metabolism thing, but none of it is working. Maybe the only thing my body will respond to is a good kick in the ass. Something like a good fast and serious ass-kicking exercise. I'm just scared that'll drag all my energy down to hell. I've already been raging around as is. Breaking down for small things and rampaging around screaming at people. Oh well, I'm just gonna have to deal with it because I need to be smaller, like now. So I am starting another plan I suppose. I'm focusing day by day instead of long term because I somehow manage to screw those up royally every time.
Today: Water only for beverages, if I am feeling weak I may have 2 servings of a diet soda, soup broth only for dinner, cough drops to take the edge off the hunger but i'm only allowed 5 throughout the day as they too have calories. I must work in a way to burn off 800 calories.
Jogging 30 minutes, Jumping rope 10 minutes, Dancing 25 minutes, Pilates 30 minutes, Toning 10 minutes.  All of those are minimum requirements as I will likely go over and/or add to them throughout the day. Here's hoping I can break this standstill.

a prison made of me (an original poem)

I wrote this just now, on the spur of the moment. I'm not much for poetry but sometime it just jumps out and this is it.

so many thoughts in my head. Help me. Its screaming in my brain, scratching, clawing its way out. But its caged in. Im caged in.
Its all a prison made of me
 Im my own worst enemy.
Recalling every bad thing said.
Every judgmental thing in their heads,
spewed at me the easy target.
They'll never remember and I'll never forget.
help me shed this second skin
thats shrinkwrapped on, im wearing thin.
 but the skin grows stronger with each day,
keeping sanity at bay.
Sane thoughts and actions would not do
 when this thing inside me wants to rule.
 take less, do more it says to me.
 or no one will love you it says with glee.
 twisted in a sneering smile,
this thing inside me used it guile.
tricking, lying our way to thin,
to manipulation, we have to win
the race to be the perfect one,
but who are we racing? i see none.
no one competing for this prize,
just me and this thing behind my eyes.
its in my brain, burrowed in.
its my master as i sin.
 most of the time we are friends,
 i welcome it to meet my ends.
but sometimes when the night is long,
all I want is a lullaby, a song.
 someone to sing me off to sleep,
not a slave driver with an agenda to keep.
so do i let it stay for now, giving in and making vows?
or do i seek help to get it out?
it clings to me and starts to shout.
so today it gets to stay,
i cannot part with a friend this way,
even if it abuses me,
it does give me what i need............

cabin fever

I'm so bored. I have been snowed in since yesterday. On the one hand it's great being home with my family and getting to spend time not having to do anything for anyone. But on the other, I am starting to get a little restless and have no way to run from my feelings. Usually there's something for me to do or somewhere to go so I don't have think or feel. Not today and not for a few days if this keeps up. Damn blizzard warnings. At least my dogs are loving it.

It is most definitely a mess here. Last night I made dinner, beef stroganoff and apple crumble for dessert. I ate a small bit and purged it. But my family loved it. It feels good to please them. While I was cooking my mom commented that "you are getting so skinny Court." The funny part was that just before she said that I was thinking how huge my stomach looked. At work the day before, the kids' grandmother was visiting and looked at me funny. I thought it was because I was doing something wrong but then she asked if I'd lost weight. I admitted a little and she said "I think its more than a little." I don't know what to do with these comments. I mean, they make me feel like I'm getting somewhere but they also pressure me to want to lose more. I don't really feel deserving of the comments and the fact that they are looking so closely at me makes me feel bigger. I'm afraid when I have thoughts like that. They make me feel so far gone in this whole thing. Maybe I'm not as in control as I think I am.