anger, resentment, anger

Sitting here watching my friend pack to leave me to be with a jackass. She's taking up the whole of spring break on this jerk. Im glad her ex is more important to her than me. Its not like he ruined our entire trip to florida last summer by breaking up with her the first day we got there or anything, forcing the entire trip to be about him and the heartbreak he caused. But yea sure, ditch the person that got you through all his bullshit to go see him on your one break from school. Awesome, Great friends, right? Yep, totally. And Im not bitter or angry at all. Nope. Not me.

i'll never be worth anything to you

Im down to 135 this morning. The progress is good. But I have been binging and purging again. I hate that, its gross. Stupid vomit. Tonight Im hanging with Laura before she ditches me for her ex-boyfriend. My best friend is gonna be on Spring Break but she isnt gonna spend any of it with me. We're just doing our usual weekly hangout session and then she's spending the whole break out of town with an asshole that dumped her and is just using her for sex. Why can't my friends, (Im sorry, I mean friend becuase I only have one since everyone else ditches me too) want to be around me? What is so wrong with me that no one sticks around? And Im a fucking doormat for Laura because she knows I have no one else so she can treat me however she wants and I wont go anywhere. Itd be stupid to ditch my only friend. But yea, tonight we're hanging out. I hope I can be not depressed long enough to enjoy it, but its hard when no one gives a shit about me and that they make it so completely obvious that I am worthless in their eyes.

satisfaction

Im down to 137. Thats only 18 pounds from my goal. I had a few encouraging things said to me this weekend.
My mom flat out told me "Okay, you've lost enough weight, just maintian now."  I smiled.
I went out bowling with some people and they all said how I've lost so much weight and look so skinny now.
And a guy I have some history with was around the other night with my other friend as well, one noticed my hipbones poking out and the other said "you have gotten pretty small"  Then the history-guy tried to repeat history in the bedroom.  Encouraging, right? I've obviously made enough progress to catch people's attention. The one I like the most though is that the guy noticed. Its been ages since a male noticed my existence in such a way, although I did turn him down. I am waiting for someone truly special to give that kind of thing to. Not like previously where I did whoever came along. That left me empty. Anyway, the weekend was nice and I got to watch a movie that the Elders let me borrow, which was very nice of them as well. I wonder how everyone else is doing...

my day out

The last few days have been a little rough. I'm trying so hard to pick myself up and be happier but this life I'm living makes it nearly impossible. Every day I wake up depressed. The first thing  do is weigh myself then I go to the bathroom and then weigh myself again. And that number determines how I feel, if its lower: my depression subsides and I have a good day. If its higher: I'm more depressed than before and my day is shit.


Yesterday my friend and I went out on the town. We spent hours in the art museum in the city and while I was there I barely thought about my weight except when we passed a tiny girl with her boyfriend. She made me feel awful. But we had fun and took some pictures (that made me feel kinda bad too). Then we went to the really posh mall downtown and I had a bit of a breakdown. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. Looking at all the girls wandering around with their bags of tiny clothes that I can never wear and the boys that never look at me because Im ugly and fat;  just couldnt take it. So we left there not long after and went to our favorite cafe where we know the owner and that was better. We had a bit of a talk about depression and life and it was all very serious. I don't know if it helped or not and tonight I'm supposed to go up to church with my parents to meet these boys that are giving us a tour of the place.


I don't know if anything has a point anymore or if anything will ever make me happy. I am afraid of trying things and finding out they won't work and being more down because nothing is working. Does that make sense? Am I pretty far gone?

new developments

Just filmed a few videos. Cant decide if I want to edit them tonight or wait til tomorrow. I mentioned my weightloss and weight issues just a little, but I was only honest enough on that subject to mention that I may have had issues and tried to sound healthier than I am. I feel bad, but that is the only subject I couldnt be one hundred percent about. Some people see that channel and I dont want to be getting in trouble with that right now. But I am glad that I am filming again in general, even if its a little jarring. It makes me feel connected to the world, even if no one is even watching. Anyone have any ideas for another video?

On an ED related note though, I have started taking a diuretic. I dropped so much weight in one day because I was just so bloated and am all the time. I retain water like crazy! Anyway, so thats a new creepy development. Has anyone ever had any bad side effects with those?

changes, achievements, and drama

I feel like my posts are like a roller coaster. One day Im being up and positive then the next im as low as you can be. But I think Ive had a breakthrough. I did get that skirt the other day alaong with a ton of other clothes in a massive purchase. So yesterday after a long night of severe depression, crying, and a long talk with someone, I realized so many things wrong in my life and that I was wanting to do certain things but I am just afraid to do so. One of those things is exploring religion. So I went to church yesterday morning. It was nice and I feel so much better. Im clearer and have some of my spirit back.

On another note, I am back down to 141.6. thats a loss of 8 lbs sine Friday. I havent binged or purged since then either. Though Ive not been exercising, I have eaten a few meals. So thats exciting too. Oh and I developed a recipe for Rocky Road Cookies Im dying to test out.

And right now Im talking to a friend that s my best friend's ex boyfriend. My BFF is dwelling on him and thinks that she may spend her spring break trying to get back together even though no one has any idea if he's even willing. And just the now, after spending last night talking with my BFF about how much she is still hung up on him, he sends me a porn link and asks if I want to do something. I want to physically, but I just can't in good conscience. So I instead told him how much my BFF still wants to be with him. His response was a simple ok. Not that I expected much else, but its killing me that I cant tell her about this because it would unravel alot of bad things Ive done that would demolish our friendship. What do I do?

what is the point/i might be giving up

im depressed and bored and I dont want to be here anymore. my life is empty and i feel completely trapped in it. nothing fills the emptyness I feel in my heart or soul. i just want to lay down and never get up. but i keep going because im supposed to, surviving on what gives momentary satisfaction like shopping, or food or exercise or television. i hate myself and i feel worthless. i want to ask an old friend how theyve been but Im still too mad at him to do it. i want to go out somewhere but i cant. theres no where to go and no one to go with. my best friend has left me to go out with her slutty frends that im not good enough for and my sister is out at a school dance with all her friends. everyone is out and dolled up but im at home alone on saturday night in my sweats. whats the point in being alive if you're miserable the whole time?